more to come!

part of this life journey is about testing my limits. this weekend i am driving to st. louis with a group of friends, and competing in the "warrior dash". if you haven't heard of it, check out http://www.warriordash.com/. it is like a cross between a 5K race, survivor, and fear factor. oh- did i mention we'll be dressed like super heros? wish this "super girl" luck- more to come!

dating. i am so over it.

yike.

well, it's no secret that i had a bout of loneliness recently (check out "time to be authentic" in my blog archives). i have been so focused on preparing for mission work that i neglected my very basic need for male companionship. i decided to take matters into my own hands and get back into the dating scene. lawrence is a pretty small place- at least once you've lived here for 35ish years- so chances are if you're between the ages of 30 and 50, are male, and are single, i've already dated you... or there is a reason i haven't. haha. okay, okay- it's not that bad, but it is true that most of my friends have already tried to fix me up with the men they think would be a good match (and even some they didn't). that pool ran dry awhile back . with the "set up" possibility being slim to none, i turned to the old standby- online dating.

if you have done the online dating scene, you will understand my pain. if not, words will not do it justice. i have profiles on at least two dating sites, but they have been hidden for over a year. now i remember why. a couple of weeks ago, i went back to one of the sites and browsed my "matches". they use that term loosely. it seems that no matter how many criteria i enter, the matches are no better than my friends who only use the criteria "single" to set me up. as usual, that was true- but there was one that had a really nice profile. well thought-out, well written, witty, interesting. there were a couple of things that potentially ruled us out as each others' dream mate, but i thought i would at least honor his effort with a quick email letting him know that i liked his profile and that it didn't go unappreciated. his reply? "no blondes, please."

ouch.

on to mr. perfect #2. i didn't even have to email that one to realize he was a jerk. he said so in his profile. well, what he actually said was "no short hair. no woman looks good in it. if you are more than 5'0" and 100 pounds and have short hair, you look like a middle aged man." i, of course, replied with a slightly sarcastic but oh-so-helpful dissertation on why that was ridiculous and shallow and how i can grow my hair, but he will always be a jackass. guess what? suddenly (after looking at the pictures automatically attached to my email) he decided that perhaps i was the exception, and that he liked my sass and my fire. i got the satisfaction of telling him that i wasn't kidding about the jackass thing. next!

third time is a charm. i emailed a guy who seemed attractive and interesting, with similar interests. he evidently thought the same about me, and we traded a half a dozen emails before deciding to meet for a cup of coffee. keep in mind that my profile mentions my faith and my mission work, and my dedication to trying to live out god's will in my life. his mentions what good character he has and how he prides himself on leading a good life, and how he is looking for a quality woman to share it with. the morning we were supposed to meet for coffee, i awoke to a definitely suggestive, completely inappropriate text message with a request for pictures showing more skin than even my doctor has seen. sigh....

being an optimist, i gave it one more try. this guy and i emailed once and moved on to phone conversations after that. i thought maybe i would have better luck getting a feel for who he really was if we talked instead of just emailed. problem is, WE never talked. he talked. we had 3 phone calls that lasted about an hour each. the first one, i talked for maybe 5 minutes, and most of that was talking over him since he never stopped. the second one, i didn't even get in a full 5 minutes. the third, i decided to force a little air-time, but all i got was an hour of him arguing with everything i said. here's the kicker- after that 3rd conversation he had decided that i was a fascinating woman (which may be true, but how could he tell??!?) and that he was in love with me. yes, you heard me. love. oh, and that he needed me. we didn't even meet. double yike.

maybe i'll get another dog...  ;0)

jane goodall (the chimp chick) makes me look like an amateur.

jane goodall is quite possibly the coolest, most amazing, most beautiful woman on the planet. if you don't know who she is, quick! google her and check her out- i'll wait. (humming theme to jeopardy). okay- now you know what i'm talking about.


i loved jane goodall as a kid. i can't tell you how many times i watched the documentary of her time spent in the jungle, studying and analyzing the behavior of chimpanzees. she was a beautiful, largely uneducated young woman (26 at the time) who moved to Gombe, africa on a grant from louis leaky to study chimps. she traveled by boat- which i can't even imagine, considering the flights are brutal enough- and her mom went with her for the first part of her adventure. there was enough money in the beginning to cover 6 months of study. every morning she hiked up into the jungle alone and looked for wild chimps. let me repeat this...every day, she hiked ALONE into the jungles of AFRICA to look for WILD chimps...did i mention ALONE?! her mom waited back at camp. it took her a couple of months before she even found the chimps, much less started interacting with them. then comes the next amazing part- interacting with them. in her accounts, and from what i can tell from the films, she had virtually no fear. she said that she believed she was where she was supposed to be, doing what she was supposed to be doing, and that she would be okay because of that. wow. talk about faith! her only communication with the outside world was a boat captain that brought supplies once a week (that spoke very little english), and handwritten letters that took 3 weeks to get to and from her family and her boss. she journaled by hand. she wrote down every observation- and she was the first person ever to witness an animal make and use a tool. prior to that time, it was thought that tool making and tool use was distinctly human and was what set us apart from the rest of the animals. did i mention wow? she changed our entire view of animals and also perhaps what it is to be human. certainly it brought animals and humans closer together, helping us to understand the depth of their intelligence, and how we are in many ways more similar than different.


skip forward about 50 years. if you notice, my first line says that jane goodall IS quite possibly the most beautiful and amazing woman on the planet- not was. as enthralled as i was with her when i was a child, i am absolutely in love with her today. last night i had the pleasure of seeing a new film out honoring her and her life. it is called "jane's journey" and chronicles her work, her life, and the activism that she took on as a result of her time spent with the chimps. just as she felt that she was where she was meant to be, and doing what she was meant to be doing when she was in africa, there came a time when she became certain that her role had changed. she realized that she needed to take what she knew- what they had taught her- and touch others with it. she had to become an activist and help protect them. that is what we do with those we love...we protect them. she started giving talks, and starting foundations and programs that promote environmentalism and protecting our planet. she founded "roots and shoots" which is a volunteer youth program in over 100 countries. she does seminars and book signings and conferences. she speaks at sporting events and concerts, and anywhere people will listen. she travels back to africa and into our native american reservations, and all sorts of places in between, to help them tackle those issues which are killing our planet and our people. every second that she is not telling her story or inspiring others is, to her, a missed opportunity to do what she knows she was created to do. in the movie i watched last night, someone said that she is like the candle that lights another candle, and then those two light two more, and those four light four more... spreading that light exponetially across the universe...but that SHE lights those candles thousands at a time. she is on the road traveling and spreading her message 360 days a year, every year. she has 5 days "home" each year, and i am guessing feels a little guilty about taking that time off, and wondering whom she could have touched or inspired had she just had the gumption to keep going all 365.


did i mention she's 77?


jane goodall makes me look like an amateur. you go girl!

a life of balance- and other things that don't come naturally

i once had a friend tell me that i'm not laid back. i was shocked. i really was. if you know me, i bet you're laughing and rolling your eyes right now, because you can't imagine that i'm serious, but i am. i thought i was a laid back, easy-going person. what my friend was quick to point out is that i am friendly, i am adaptable, i am resourceful and flexible, but i am NOT laid back. she started listing other words that describe me which, admittedly, i wouldn't generally use to describe laid back people. intense,"powerful but not overpowering", strong, driven, opinionated. you get the picture. the point is that i was able to deceive myself into believing something that is untrue even when the truth was obvious to everyone else, and was right under my nose. literally... it lived inside me. as i reflected on that, i realized that part of this authentic life quest has to be searching for and examining other areas in my life that i am deceiving myself. i thought there was a pretty good chance i wouldn't find any more (insert sarcastic chuckle here), but unfortunately there is at least one.

balance.

i have been selling stuff to try to save money toward my goal of full time mission work. i love books, and have/had hundreds of them. i have sold more than 200, and as i was sorting through the last batch, i ran across a book i always intended to read, but had never gotten around to. it is called "the journey toward relevance- simple steps for transforming your world", by kary oberbrunner. self-help books lost their draw for me once i figured out what god's purpose for my life is, but this book was soooooo easy to justify- it was a book about living a relevant life, and it was on the 50% off table at signs of life bookstore. i love it when that happens.

so, i'm reading along in this book, feeling pretty good about myself and how "relevant" my life is, when it convicts me. it hits me over the head with a truth that i hadn't recognized before. my life is out of balance. again, you may be rolling your eyes and laughing at me right now, but i swear that i didn't know that. yes, i know that my goals and life values are different than most peoples'. yes, i know that my steps and plan for attaining those goals are unconventional and seem a little extreme to most people. what i didn't know is that in my zest and zeal to serve and please god, i have started serving people less. i have started loving them (in the verb sense) less. i have lost the balance between faith and culture. i think that what initially hit me was this: "separatists have thir christian friends, their christian music, and their christian church. they wear their faith all the time, but fail to relate with the world around them. they pride themselves in having a pure faith. separatists fail to see that no one wants to hear about their faith, because they are completely irrelevant to the culture all around..." this hit me hard. i had a friend tell me once that he thought it was really powerful that i was a "normal person" and still had such a strong and visible faith. he felt that my life itself was sharing the message of god because "everyday people" could relate to me and see that not all christians were freaks, nor lived some foreign and boring lifestyle.

i am at a crossroads and the choice of which path i take feels very important. if i continue with the way i've been going, i risk becoming so irrelevant to others that i won't be effective for god, either. i also don't want to take a completely different path because i believe that this is the direction i've been led.  what i need to look at is where my focus is, and how that is affecting my relationships with others. as i said earlier, i am doing all i can to save money for my mission work. here is part of that lack of balance; "all i can". when i say all, i mean all. i am selling belongings. i have stopped purchasing groceries. i have stopped eating out. i have stopped purchasing anything that isn't an absolute necessity. i have stopped going to the movies. i have stopped going for a cup of coffee with a friend. i have stopped nearly all the things that bring me joy, and more importantly, things that bring others joy. this is where i got off kilter. i stopped focusing on loving people. when my eye is strictly on my savings account balance and how much i can accrue, i stop looking for the people that i can bless with what i have. they say you worship where you heart is...and i don't want my heart to be focused on money. my heart needs to look up from its account balance and continue to look for people to bless. i have to believe that god will honor that and the rest will come. as hard as it will be for this "all i can" girl, i need to start picking up the tab again when i go out with friends. i need to buy them a little gift when i sense they need a pick-me-up. i need to be the first in line to cook meals for friends in need instead of worrying how much it will cost. i need to invite a hurting friend out for a drink or a cup of coffe and a long talk, instead of figuring first if it fits into my budget. i need to remember that god values people and relationships, and that is why he put me here on the earth...to build those relationships and to serve people- all people. not just the ones in africa, or nepal, or honduras... i need to love and serve the ones around me, too. those at work, and next door, and in my family.

oh my, god has a sense of humor. as i am writing this, my niece texted to say she will need a dinner break from studying later, and asked me what i'm doing this evening. here's my chance. guess who's picking up the tab?

how to make a rotisserie chicken last a week, and other freegan tips.

this entry is for all the foodies out there.

if there is one thing i love, it is good food. the decision to try to drastically cut down on my food budget had the potential to wreak havoc on my culinary bliss. as much as i want to save money, i don't want to eat boring, bland, or uninteresting food all the time. that would make a life not worth living. well- maybe that's a little dramatic. you know what i mean, though.

the first step in the plan to save was to limit myself to $50 a week for food. in the beginning, i hadn't decided if that included eating out, or just groceries. i budgeted for one $50 dillons card through my church every sunday (so that they could get a little charitable income, too), and when it was empty, i was done buying for the week. i found out a few things. one, it is really easy to eat for $50 most weeks. two, i must have spent a whole lot more than that before i started paying attention.

i did pretty well. the first week i spent my $50. the next week, i went a tiny bit over due to some purchases that would last me multiple weeks (spices, bulk items) and i totalled about $68. then the competitive side of me kicked in and i aimed to spend less. a lot less. the third week i spent about $30. the fourth and fifth weeks i spent $30 combined. the next week i spent zip. zilch. nada. i had my first dinner out, but it was a date and i was blessed with a guy that refused to let me pay. oh how i love chivalry! the only food money i spent was chipping in for appetizers for a coworker's going away party (miss you, tricia smith!) at encore restaurant- a bittersweet occasion. i would have much preferred to pay for her to stay! in essence, i spent $45 for three weeks' worth of breakfast, lunch, and dinner. i would love to pretend that i ate like a mouse and lost oodles of weight- but i'd be lying. i ate well, and here's how...

the rotisserie chicken:

do yourself a favor and pick up a rotisserie chicken, especially if it is on sale. i got one for $3.99 one evening at dillons, and in 30 minutues i had prepared 3 dishes that stretched for about 7 meals. the first meal didn't take much imagination- i had rotisserie chicken. period. i cut off one breast and one leg, and ate those with some steamed veggies...

... then i pulled all of the meat off the bone and separated it into dark and white meat. the white meat i chopped and made into chicken salad for chicken salad sandwiches. i added a little onion, a little mayo, and a little curry. you can make lots of other variations, though, depending on what's in your fridge. try grapes and walnuts, or dill and cucumbers, or green peppers, carrots, and scallions. be creative- it is hard to screw up chicken salad. you can even stuff it into a hollowed out cucumber "boat" and serve it like you're fancy. :0) 

i took the dark meat and made a simple chicken noodle soup, using chicken broth (or bouillion) from the cupboard, and veggies from the fridge. i used some baby carrots, celery, onion, and greens that were past their prime in my crisper drawer. swimming in a chicken soup perked them right up! i added some noodles from the cupboard, too, but you can use rice, or beans, or just the chicken and veggies if that's all you have. the soup was enough for 4 large bowls...

...i also bought a large loaf of italian bread for $1.59 and ate it with the chicken, the soup, and used it to make the sandwiches. leftovers made great french toast.

the moral of this story is that you can eat for 3-4 days for under 6 bucks, and not starve. i even had people at work asking for the recipes. maybe that'll be my next entry :)

time to be authentic. read at your own risk- this one's not funny.

sometimes i hide behind my humor. other times, i hide behind my faith...or the busy-ness of life...or my smile...or my generally optimistic attitude. but some days, like the past two, i can't hide. i guess it's more accurate to say i can't hide from myself- because i've been pretty good at hiding the truth from everyone else. if i am going to live an authentic life, though, i need to be careful about hiding- especially from myself.

i've been sitting at home most of the weekend, listening to what's in my head and trying to face it head on, instead of drowning it out. what it's telling me is that i am lonely. super lonely. heartbreakingly lonely. maybe it's the fall weather, with the cold and the storms. i call it "snuggle weather". yeah, you get the picture. it's hard to snuggle solo. i won't deny that i miss the warmth of a real live person next to me sometimes. don't get me wrong- i have wonderful friends and family that i can always turn to, and that would keep me company at a moment's notice, but you know full well that's not what i mean. i know full well that's not what i mean, too. the best friend in the world can't take the place of being in love. or even in "like". i've almost forgotten what that feels like, and that makes me sad.

i can blame it on the weather, but i think it's more than that. the people that know me well won't be that surprised at this, but the ones who don't will probably never understand. i think it's scott. more complicated than i can ever explain- but here is the nutshell. 28 years ago i fell in love with the man i thought would still be by my side today. two years later, he had a car accident that left him in a nursing home with a head injury for the next 25 years. i loved him every minute of those 27 years...and last year, 4 hours before his 49th birthday, he died. his birthday (and for all intents and purposes the anniversary of his death) was yesterday. his 50th birthday. most days i celebrate his life and i am grateful that his suffering is over and that he's finally moved on and has been healed- but not yesterday, and not today.

the past two days have been a reminder that his love is gone from my life, and that not only was he not by my side the past 27 years, but he never will be again. if it ended there, i would be okay with it. love and loss. they go together. i get that. what i am not okay with is the little voice that starts asking if i think he was "the one" and if i think i'll ever find that again? and then i start looking at my life and what i'm trying to do with it, and realize that i have made it harder than ever to find someone that will want to share this journey with me. if i think it's hard now, i should skip forward to when i'm living in a hut in africa somewhere, doing mission work. that's what my brain has been doing this weekend. skipping forward and focusing on how isolated i will be from romance and intimacy and all of those things that seems so desperately important today. and i start to wonder how i will survive. by the grace of god, i guess. that's how. i sure can't do it on my own. even that feels like a load of crap today, in the midst of my loneliness.

how's that for authentic?

.

it's not all fun and games (but it's always fun)

i had someone ask me, "why africa?" today. i wasn't sure how to explain it. she asked why i don't set my sights on someplace closer. someplace easier. someplace a little less remote and a little more safe. maybe that's exactly the reason i chose africa- or more specifically, why africa chose me. because there are lots of people who want to go to places that are close, and cheap, and safe, and feel a whole lot like home. there are far fewer that are willing to tent camp instead of sleep in a guesthouse or hotel, and travel by dugout canoe or flatbed truck rather than by bus or by car.

don't get me wrong- there is nothing less admirable or noble about going to the places that are a little easier to get to, and a lot easier to tolerate. need is need, and people are people, and anywhere you are serving people in need is where you should be. i just feel that the reason god blessed me with single life (ie: no one to answer to or be responsible for) is so i could take his love farther than most are able to go- to reach those "unreachables". that, and africa is just cool. when i am there, i feel fully alive. the more covered in sweat and grime i become, the cleaner and more pure my heart feels. in my exhaustion is stillness and the sense that i am exactly where i should be, doing exactly what i should be doing. there is something so powerful about knowing what god's purpose for your life is. there is a sense of peace and stillness, because the restlessness that goes along with uncertainty is gone. when i am doing my work in the "field", i feel i am doing god's work. i am including a couple of links to videos made by team members on my last two trips- so that maybe you can take a few minutes to stand by my side and see through my eyes, and fully understand "why africa".

click here to see a small snapshot of the work i/we do in kenya- this video was made by jeff alejos, who accompanied both the K2K community team and medical team to kenya the summer of 2010. i led the medical team on behalf of mercy and truth medical missions and Kansas to Kenya (K2K). if you watch long enough, you might see someone you know! :0)  (*note- in 4 1/2 clinic days, we saw 1,152 patients)

click here to see video of the trip to malawi- this video was made by christina smaus, one of the amazing KU nursing students that i led to malawi in march of 2011. we partnered with mercy and truth medical missions, and ministry of hope- and assisted both at a crisis nursery (aka AIDS orphanage) as well as with mobile medical clinics to villages who had been cut off from contact with the outside world by the rains for the prior 6 months.

imani-  k