a win and a loss on the same day....

today i won the contest i had with my boyfriend- "first one to lose 10 pounds wins a fabulous prize!" what is the prize, you may ask? well, i don't actually know. i never got to find out. today i won the contest but i lost my boyfriend.

did i mention that we were also supposed to go to sedona tomorrow for a labor day trip? yep. timing is everything. perfect, as always.

out of respect for him and his privacy, i won't expound (seriously, don't act so shocked) except to say that there are some people you are meant to love but not be with. evidently that is true with us.

my heart is broken. broken, but thinner. there's always a bright side.

looking for the bright side

the week before last was a rough week. on monday, i had to put my dog to sleep. on that following sunday, my stepmom died. like i said, it was a rough week.

i recently had a good friend say to me, "i don't think i've ever known anyone who has suffered so many significant losses in such a short period of time." this wasn't comforting, considering my friend is a psychologist specializing in depression, and has studied hundreds if not thousands of depressed people. that is definitely a distinction i wish i could trade in for one more fun or glamorous. truth is, he's right. in the past 2 years, i have lost both cats, my dogs thor and xena, my mom, my first love (see blog post entitled "time to be authentic"), and my stepmom. my sister kim is also dying. as much as i hate to say that out loud, not saying it won't make it less true. before this year is over, i will probably have lost her too.

i try to tell myself that it isn't about me, but that's not exactly true. death is not really about the dying. it's more about the ones left behind. the dying will finally be healed. we are told that there are no tears in heaven. not so, on earth. while the dying are finally healed of everything that was broken in this life, their loved ones are still broken...and more so, because of their loss. so, while it isn't really about me, it is. how many times can a heart break in 2 years? why do i have to be the one to find out? they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. by now, i should be the strongest woman on earth.

i am always one that's able to find a bright side in every situation- a silver lining, so to speak. it has been tough this time. the thought that my life is clearing out of everything and everyone i love, and that the lack of "roots" will make it easier to move away, doesn't quite seem like a bright side.

for now, it's all i've got.