we get messages from all sorts of places, and sometimes it's difficult to determine which ones are lying to us and which ones are telling the truth. i believe, in part, that it is our responsibility to filter them and decide which ones we will allow to speak to our hearts and whisper to us who we are. after my breakup last week, i was hoping that my trip to sedona and my hike into the grand canyon would give me lots of time to talk to god, and some time in return for him to talk to me and remind me who i am. what i am. what i should do. you know, words of wisdom from the creator that made me in his image. that's not asking too much, right?
i am not naive enough to believe that you have to trek halfway across the country and head into the wilderness to encounter god- but it sure makes it difficult to ignore him or deny him when you're surrounded by the majesty of nature and hours upon hours of solo time trekking down (and then up... forever UP) into the canyons of arizona. i planned to take full advantage of that uninterrupted time to speak to him. uninterrupted, that is, except for my cell phone. thanks to technology and text messaging, god isn't the only one to talk to in the middle of nowhere. evidently my ex can reach me there, too. and "he" did. (i should admit that i replied...every time. sigh.)
it's not that god and the ex were telling me drastically different things on the surface- it's what was being whispered to my heart that was so different. god was saying, "you're loved". "he" was whispering, "you're loved, but i love myself more". god was saying, "you're special" and "he" was whispering, "you're special, but not special enough for me to make you a priority". god was saying, "you are beautiful and valuable" and "he" was whispering, "you are beautiful and valuable, but still not worth enough for me to try to find a way to make it work". god was saying, "i miss you and want you in my life" and "he" was whispering, "i miss you and want you in my life, but only to the extent that it doesn't interfere with anything i'm doing or inconvenience me in any way. i want you there on my terms because this is about me and what i need, and not you and what you need." i should have thrown that cell phone off the south rim and into the colorado river.
ultimately, it's good that it happened. it taught me a lesson. when we broke up, there was discussion about how he likes to remain friends and keep in contact with his ex's and how i believe it's healthier (for me and my sanity, at least) to cut all ties and have no contact, unless absolutely necessary. if i am not your girlfriend anymore, i don't want to see your face, hear your voice, be told about your activities- nothing. i want to pretend that you don't exist. that may sound harsh, but if you are no longer my reality, you can't hurt me anymore. i also don't think it's fair for you to be able to use me for electronic company when you're bored, or lonely, or sad, or desirous. it's not fair to keep your foot in the door. for me, it's an all or nothing thing. if you don't want all of me, and all of this experience, you get nothing. that's god's model. he wants all of my heart. in turn, i give all of my heart to him and to those i love. i expect the same in return. who am i kidding? i expect it all in return, but i'll accept 20%. if you can't give even that, what's the point? that's when the healthy thing to do is cut loose.
today, something new was whispered to my heart. it was a sound, and not words...
..."snip. snip."
i have had a lot of occasion lately to examine my heart. to really explore what makes it tick, what makes it ache, and what makes it swell with joy. two of those occasions happen to be valentine's day and lent.
i was really looking forward to valentine's day this year. as of the middle of january, i was pretty sure i was going to have a boyfriend for valentine's day. do you know how long it's been since that has happened? well, let me tell you- years. i actually had a boyfriend for valentine's day 3 years ago but it didn't count- he blew it off. and our one year anniversary. oh yeah, AND my 40th birthday. now you're getting the picture. i only mention that to say that a lot of emotional baggage was riding on the luggage rack of this valentine's day. i was gonna' get the chance to redeem it and have a happy, fulfilled, other-filled vday....and then the guinea pig incident (see my last blog post if you have no idea what i'm talking about. trust me- it's relevant). in one evening, i went from filled with joy and expectation to filled with regret and trepidation. let's face it- filled with a teeny bit of hatred toward all those folks still filled with joy and expectation. funny how that works. valentine's day has, not only for me but for millions just like me, the power to make us feel categorically loved and accepted, or rejected and alone. period. there is no 3rd category in my opinion. wow...powerful stuff.
now on to lent. in a nutshell- and a theologically shaky one, i'm sure- lent is the 40 days (46, if you count sundays) between "fat tuesday" and easter. it is symbolic of christ's 40 days in the desert, being tempted by satan. it is a time of reflection, a time of gratefulness to god and christ for his gift to us, and a time of renewal and cleansing of our hearts to prepare us to accept that gift. we wait in anticipation for christ's resurrection and his triumph over death- and it ends in glory on easter, when he rises from the grave. during lent, many people give something up or take something on. the idea is to give up something you rely on. maybe something you worship, or at least count on for entertainment, or comfort, or distraction. in other words, something you turn to other than christ. it is a way of saying "you are enough for me. i don't need this other "stuff" to make me happy. you sustain me." i usually choose something food related, since that is one of my true weaknesses. the taking on of something often involves a spiritual discipline, like meditation, reading the bible, or prayer. something that brings us closer to the will of god in our lives, and prepares us to receive him. something that slows us down so we can hear his voice. one of the things i took on was meditation. i sit in the silence and listen for him.
do you know what that voice is telling me? it is telling me that it's unchristian to feel sad or rejected on valentine's day. seriously, bear with me! when jesus dies on that cross because he loves me, and then conquers death and rises from the dead, the promise is that i am not alone. i will never be alone. i am not unloved. i will never be unloved. if i give valentine's day- or anything/anyone else- the power to make me feel unloved and rejected, it is in fact, my doing. i am giving them that power. i am trying to find happiness and fulfillment in people and things, when i can only truly find that in god. all of my reflection has drowned out the distraction of what the world is screaming at me, and has narrowed the voice down to one- the one that is telling me that i am always loved, and i am never alone. that if i keep searching for that happiness outside of myself and outside of him, i will always be disappointed.
i have been trying to plug a god-shaped hole with man-shaped and stuff-shaped plugs. no matter how close a fit, there is always a gap. it is never quite right. so i keep searching. i keep meeting new people, and acquiring more things, trying to fit them into that hole and make myself complete. some days, it's a wonder that there is any room in that hole for god at all, considering all the things i've crammed into it. my lenten journey this year will be about doing some spiritual spring cleaning and getting rid of those things that are blocking god's way to my heart, and keeping him from filling me completely.
from now on, christ is my valentine.
this has been a particularly spiritual week, and not because of anything i've sought out or done. maybe that's not true. maybe it is because of things i've done- or maybe even because of some things left undone. i don't know. what i do know is that god is talking to me. it feels like he is finally rewarding me for those things that i'm practicing, despite not having them come naturally. patience, for instance... and as we examined in an earlier post, balance. i am also really good at picking a goal and pursuing it to the fullest- but less good at waiting to find out god's agenda and pursuing that, instead. the past few weeks, i've been trying to be really good about listening and figuring out which is which. i don't have all the answers, yet (and only god knows how much that drives the control freak in me crazy!) but they are coming to me, slowly but surely.
i remember years ago being frustrated that god never "spoke" to me. i would pray for clarity and guidance ("demand" is probably more accurate than "pray"), and ask him to show me what he wanted me to do, and what direction he wanted me to move. i couldn't understand why, when i was so willing, he wouldn't give me some great epiphany and use me in a big and wondrous way. i couldn't understand why, when all i wanted was to hear his voice, he wouldn't talk to me. one day i was literally having a conversation with him on my way to work (fine- i'll admit it. i was talking AT him). i remember it so well. i was walking from the parking lot into the hospital and i was running a few minutes late. i was in the midst of saying to god that all i needed was to hear him. i needed to know his will for my life. i wanted him to trust me enough to share with me his plan. i was good and buried in the "me me me" topic when i looked down and noticed a pile of trash that somone had dumped out of their car and left by the entrance to the ER. i heard a little voice in my head say that i should stop and pick that up, but as i said, i was running late. someone else would get it. wasn't that housekeeping's job? besides, it looked nasty. i rushed past and didn't look back, as i continued to tell god that i was upset that he never spoke to me, nor gave me direction. that little voice actually cut me off. it interrupted me and said "you need to go back and pick that up." period. and a realization hit me like a bolt of lightening. i was hearing god, and i was ignoring him. who did i think that little voice was? who did i think wanted me to get over myself and start thinking about others? who did i think cared enough to speak up and tell me to do the right thing, even with no one looking? i realized that god talked to me all day, every day, guiding me in what i should say, and how i should act, and more often than not i ignored him. i chalked it up to "the little voice" and not the enormous god. i also realized that he was giving me a real message, and it was this. "if you don't trust me enough to obey me in the little things, why should i trust you with the big ones?" i knew right then and there, without a shadow of a doubt, that i had to prove to god that i would listen to him and obey him, and in time he would learn to trust me enough to give me bigger and bigger tasks until he felt sure he could trust me with something as important as his will in my life. that day, i started obeying the voice- even when i really, really, reaaaaaaaally didn't want to. i picked up trash, i helped people carry things out to their car at the grocery store. i let another car in front of me in traffic, even when i was running late. that was the key- to do it even when it hurt. maybe those were the ones that counted extra! the ones that cost me a little. sure enough, after proving to god that i would listen to the small stuff, he started pointing out bigger things...and even bigger things... until he finally whispered in my ear that i was created for full time mission work.
in my desire to "walk by faith and not by sight", i have been preparing to go even though i have no destination or timeline. the hardest part has been the lack of destination. i want so badly to be able to picture myself there, and pray specifically about where i am going and what i will be doing. maybe because of that, i inserted myself in africa in all my imaginings. i was convinced that god was calling me to africa. i love the continent and the people, and the very second i leave her, i find myself longing to be back. i can't deny that africa has played a huge role in my spiritual formation, and in forming me into a humanitarian and a missionary- but that doesn't mean that africa is where god is calling me to live out my life serving him. don't get me wrong- it might be. i have just come to realize that africa is likely my agenda, but i'm not sure it's gods...and perhaps the reason that there has been a delay in getting there is because god is waiting for me to stop chasing my tail and listen to where "there" really is.
a few weeks ago i made a real effort to try to turn over all my control back to god, and stop trying to make things happen on my own. that's when he started talking to me - loudly, and not in a whisper. he was waiting for me to shut up and stop telling him what i wanted. turns out, he knows what i want more than i do. SO- fun things have been shaping up. i have started an amazing conversation with a missionary from nepal who is the medical director of a hospital in a village in the far west, near the borders of india and tibet.
i am not naive enough to believe that you have to trek halfway across the country and head into the wilderness to encounter god- but it sure makes it difficult to ignore him or deny him when you're surrounded by the majesty of nature and hours upon hours of solo time trekking down (and then up... forever UP) into the canyons of arizona. i planned to take full advantage of that uninterrupted time to speak to him. uninterrupted, that is, except for my cell phone. thanks to technology and text messaging, god isn't the only one to talk to in the middle of nowhere. evidently my ex can reach me there, too. and "he" did. (i should admit that i replied...every time. sigh.)
