oh YAY!!!! oh CRAP!!! oh YAY!!!!....



watch what you wish for, right?

that old addage that you had better be careful what you ask for because you just might get it has come to my mind more than once over the past couple of weeks. i have finally gotten the only thing that i truly want (for myself) and that is the opportunity to be a full time cross-cultural medical missionary. last week, i was notified that i am "qualified and accepted to be a full time missionary" with an organization called TEAM (The Evangelical Alliance Mission). they have been around since 1890 and are in 40 countries. for me, it is the best of both worlds. they are a faith based organization whose mission is to spread the gospel, and they do that through service (like medical service- yay!!). i can use my nursing skills and my love for god and people at the same time. for me, that's heaven on earth!                                                                                                

pictures are taken from HDCS-TEAM hospital website

my destination isn't set in stone, but for the past 5 or 6 months i have been dialoguing (spell check tells me that's not a word but i choose to keep it. haha) with TEAM missionaries in dadeldhura nepal. there is a mission hospital there, and TEAM has been operating it for 50ish years. they are also rolling out a CHE (community health evangelism) program that focuses on disease prevention and community based development of public health initiatives in impoverished countries. that is where my heart lies- in promoting wellness and not just stomping out illness. this region of nepal has a very high malnutrition rate, and still struggles with diseases like TB and leprosy.



This is Deepak. Because of the presence of TEAM hospital and staff (and the grace of God), Deepak was given a chance at life- and survived!

it seems that there is a place there, for me, if that is where i want to serve. i always envisioned myself in africa, but my prayer was that i open myself up to god's will and pursue his agenda and not my own. this is the path that cleared, as a result. in may, i will go there to do a "vision trip" and see if the fit seems like a good one in person as well as on paper. if so, that will be my path. if not, there are 39 other countries to choose from.

i am filled with joy, with uncertainty, with excitement, and with the tiniest bit of dread. the joy, uncertainty, and excitement i saw coming. the dread surprised me a little bit. suddenly i find myself looking around at my belongings and picturing life without most of them. i look around at the faces in the hallway or meetings at work and feel a twinge of sadness that many of those faces i will never see again. i get a sinking in the pit of my stomach as i ponder relying on god and the generosity of others to sustain me and provide for things like my housing, my food, my everything. i think about the fact that i may have just signed up for a life of singleness. i know, i know...being single is good and healthy and all those other things my married friends often tell me... and if i had chosen a life of singleness, i would rejoice in it. truth is, though, that regardless of what i want in terms of marriage or a relationship, my new  vocation may take the choice away from me. that is a little harder to swallow.  life as i have come to know it sooooooo well over the past 43 years will dramatically change. that part i embrace- but i dread facing some of the demons that i know will accompany such a drastic life transformation. i will find out who i truly am. i pray that i am not disappointed to find out who that is.

this will not happen overnight. the average time from acceptance with TEAM to departure for the new country is 22 months. in the meantime i will downsize my life here, attend orientations and trainings as recommended by TEAM, make preparations, and fundraise.  if you are inspired to help or know someone who might be, please let me know. i literally can't do this alone. i need to raise all the funding to sustain me for 2 years before i go. while this is not nearly as expensive as living here in the US, there are lots of things that need to be covered- housing, food, travel, health insurance, a small stipend, etc... some people were blessed with the desire to go and do (um- that's ME!) and some were blessed with the resources, no matter how limited, to help people like me go and do. if that's YOU, please click here and you'll be taken to the TEAM giving page. At the drop down menu, select "missionaries and staff" and at the subcategory drop down, select F, Karin 011057. you can make a one time donation or a recurring one if that works better for you. of course, this is all tax deductible. please don't think any donation is too small. it will all add up- like loaves and fishes! :0)

even more important than donations is prayer. please add TEAM, their location in dadeldhura, nepal, and my ministry to your prayers. that, more than anything, is what will sustain me.

what an amazing journey i have before me...

YAY!!!! and oh CRAP!!!!!

christ is my valentine

i have had a lot of occasion lately to examine my heart. to really explore what makes it tick, what makes it ache, and what makes it swell with joy. two of those occasions happen to be valentine's day and lent.


i was really looking forward to valentine's day this year. as of the middle of january, i was pretty sure i was going to have a boyfriend for valentine's day. do you know how long it's been since that has happened? well, let me tell you- years. i actually had a boyfriend for valentine's day 3 years ago but it didn't count- he blew it off. and our one year anniversary. oh yeah, AND my 40th birthday. now you're getting the picture. i only mention that to say that a lot of emotional baggage was riding on the luggage rack of this valentine's day. i was gonna' get the chance to redeem it and have a happy, fulfilled, other-filled vday....and then the guinea pig incident (see my last blog post if you have no idea what i'm talking about. trust me- it's relevant). in one evening, i went from filled with joy and expectation to filled with regret and trepidation. let's face it- filled with a teeny bit of hatred toward all those folks still filled with joy and expectation. funny how that works. valentine's day has, not only for me but for millions just like me, the power to make us feel categorically loved and accepted, or rejected and alone. period. there is no 3rd category in my opinion. wow...powerful stuff.


now on to lent. in a nutshell- and a theologically shaky one, i'm sure- lent is the 40 days (46, if you count sundays) between "fat tuesday" and easter. it is symbolic of christ's 40 days in the desert, being tempted by satan. it is a time of reflection, a time of gratefulness to god and christ for his gift to us, and a time of renewal and cleansing of our hearts to prepare us to accept that gift. we wait in anticipation for christ's resurrection and his triumph over death- and it ends in glory on easter, when he rises from the grave. during lent, many people give something up or take something on. the idea is to give up something you rely on. maybe something you worship, or at least count on for entertainment, or comfort, or distraction. in other words, something you turn to other than christ. it is a way of saying "you are enough for me. i don't need this other "stuff" to make me happy. you sustain me." i usually choose something food related, since that is one of my true weaknesses. the taking on of something often involves a spiritual discipline, like meditation, reading the bible, or prayer. something that brings us closer to the will of god in our lives, and prepares us to receive him. something that slows us down so we can hear his voice. one of the things i took on was meditation. i sit in the silence and listen for him.


do you know what that voice is telling me? it is telling me that it's unchristian to feel sad or rejected on valentine's day. seriously, bear with me! when jesus dies on that cross because he loves me, and then conquers death and rises from the dead, the promise is that i am not alone. i will never be alone. i am not unloved. i will never be unloved. if i give valentine's day- or anything/anyone else- the power to make me feel unloved and rejected, it is in fact, my doing. i am giving them that power. i am trying to find happiness and fulfillment in people and things, when i can only truly find that in god. all of my reflection has drowned out the distraction of what the world is screaming at me, and has narrowed the voice down to one- the one that is telling me that i am always loved, and i am never alone. that if i keep searching for that happiness outside of myself and outside of him, i will always be disappointed.


i have been trying to plug a god-shaped hole with man-shaped and stuff-shaped plugs. no matter how close a fit, there is always a gap. it is never quite right. so i keep searching. i keep meeting new people, and acquiring more things, trying to fit them into that hole and make myself complete. some days, it's a wonder that there is any room in that hole for god at all, considering all the things i've crammed into it. my lenten journey this year will be about doing some spiritual spring cleaning and getting rid of those things that are blocking god's way to my heart, and keeping him from filling me completely.


from now on, christ is my valentine.

dead guinea pigs, and other reasons people break up

in case you are wondering how things are going with "4 dates guy", you can stop. they aren't.

after my nightmare of a new year's eve date, the next man i found myself out with was a breath of fresh air. he was smart, funny, sweet, spiritual, genuine, and warm- and best of all, he was into me. at the time of that blog post, he and i had been out on several dates, had a few more planned, and there was no end in sight. i should have known better.

maybe it was wishful thinking. i haven't had an actual boyfriend in 3 1/2 years (if i have dated you in the past 3 1/2 years and you are just now finding out that you weren't my "boyfriend", i am sorry you had to hear it this way. haha...kidding!). those 3 1/2 years have been good years, but they were often lonely years. i have learned to be happy by myself, and have also learned the art of simply d.a.t.i.n.g. without having to lock into a relationship, but i won't pretend that there isn't a part of me that has longed to find someone exclusive. someone to get excited about. someone that i actually want to talk to, or see, daily. someone to not only go do the fancy things with, but also the mundane. the share-a-cup-of-coffee-and-read-the-paper-on-sunday-morning-with guy. this guy reminded me that i was looking for that. this guy made me believe that i hadn't exhausted all my possibilities. this guy was possibilities.

all of our dates were good- including the one that caused the crash and burn. maybe especially the one that caused the crash and burn. how odd, but how true. we had a super packed, super fun afternoon/evening planned. we started with the mundane which included a hike in the woods near my house with my dog and thrift store shopping, and ended with the fancy- drinks and appetizers downtown, a couple's massage (which just means we both got a 30 minute relaxation massage at the same time), and a sushi and ramen dinner at yokohama. we laughed, we held hands, we wandered, we gazed into each others' eyes...and then it happened.

he got the call- or as i like to think of it, "The Call". it was a call from his 12 year old son, sobbing, and saying that their guinea pig had died. tragic, yes. life changing? it was for me. you see, that call destroyed our possibilities. to me, it was a sad call but part of life. pets die. kids cry. life goes on. to him, it was an accusation of failure. failure as a husband (ex), father, human being. it saturated him in guilt and shame. it plunged him into the realization that if he could have kept his marriage from crumbling he would be there for his children in this, their time of need. it brought with it a conviction that if he wasn't with me, 2 1/2 hours from home, on a date, he could have driven home to comfort his children. it magnified the truth that there isn't yet room in his heart for his children and a new girlfriend. when he left me after our date, i got the sense he was leaving me for good.

i hate being this intuitive...sometimes i hate being right. today i got the "you are an amazing woman with a wonderful spirit" email. oh how i hate that email. he was kind and gracious and said all the right things- except "you are wrong, i am not ending this." that was the only thing i was hoping to hear. in fairness, i already knew this wouldn't be permanent because last night made it painfully clear that he is not, ever (no matter how old they are), going to move away from his children to some remote village on some far away continent, to do mission work by my side.

but a girl can dream.

what to do when your date asks out the waitress...

i can't make this stuff up. seriously.


i was going to blog about the nepali eating experiment- how i fared, insights i gained, foods i've gorged on since stopping the insanity (no, i actually haven't gone to la familia, yet), etc... however a situation has come to light that necessitates me changing course and talking about a completely different topic. that topic is: "my new year's eve date asked out the waitress."

let's start at the beginning. i met my new year's eve date online, on a dating site called okcupid.com. i know, i know- i've sworn off online dating before, but this site matches you based on your responses to questions and you're practically GUARAN-flippin-TEED to hit it off!! i took my time getting gussied up, since he was a guaranteed great match. i wanted to make a good impression.

the base outfit

finishing touches in place. pretty and flirty, but not over the top

so i arrive at the restaurant, and it is immediately evident that his pictures are about 10 years old (and blurry) so we're not off to a good start. i am mature enough to not judge a book by the cover, though, and am still prepared to have a lovely evening with interesting adult conversation at the very least. we sit down to dinner (i leave the sweater on) and he immediately looks at my chest and says, "i won't hear a thing you say all night because i'll be staring at those." classy. there was still a remote possibility that he was not a complete jerk and only very inappropriate and socially awkward, until he opened his mouth again. this time he asked if i had been cleaning the house all day so that i could bring home an overnight guest. (sigh). i am very diplomatic- often way TOO diplomatic- so must have come across as unsure of myself when i assured him that i was going home alone that night, because the next 5 comments over 10 minutes were filled with innuendo mixed with blantant requests, all regarding a sleep-over. i gave up most attempts at conversation and tried to enjoy a pretty yummy dinner at genovese. when i tuned in to what he was saying, he was generally slamming women and the entire dating process. he was a charmer, let me tell you! i gave it one last try and suggested we go somewhere different for coffee and dessert, in case there was carbon monoxide or something in the air at the restaurant causing him to lose his mind and his manners. we walked the 3 blocks to pachamama's, where he proceeded to ogle the waitress. not discreetly, but very obviously. he followed her every move with not only his eyes, but his whole head. he began showing her pictures of his son on his phone and calling her by name. she and i were both completely creeped out and about 20 minutes into coffee i said it was time to go and we headed for our cars. my NY eve date was over by 6:45p. during the walk back, he started grilling me about the location of the restaurant (he's from KC), what the name of it was, etc... when i got to my car, i sent a text asking "were you trying to pinpoint the location of the restaurant so you could go back and ask out the waitress?!" to which he replied, "LOL!! no! of course not!"

guess what?

last week i was again at pachamamas waiting on a date to arrive. this one was a second date, and with a man much cuter and sweeter than the last. as i sat there, i looked at the waitress and mused over my disastrous NY eve. finally i got up the nerve to say, "i was here a couple of weeks ago with a date. did he come back and ask you out?" oh yes, he did, and he creeped her out beyond measure. i apologized for bringing him to her restaurant in the first place, and she thanked me for asking because it bothered her a lot seeing me and not knowing if i knew. needless to say, my date that night was much better...and on the way out the door, i whispered to the waitress, with a wink, "sorry, but this one thinks i'm cuter."

i could have let it go, but that's just not my style. the next day, i texted el-creepo and simply said, "don't know which is worse- that you're classless enough to ask out the waitress on our date, or cowardly enough to lie about it. wow. please don't bother to reply. i am taking you out of my phone."

the response? (parentheses are my thoughts)..."that's a tough one because while i did go back, i chickened out of actually asking her out (lie). she is stunning, though, isn't she? (really???) but alas i think she was too young and i didn't want to embarrass myself...so i'd have to go with classless since the intent was there. but you made it clear that there was no future for us because of your hut dwelling aspirations (wow) so why do you even care...and finally, although you are an amazing person, and i told her that (gee thanks!!), i wasn't really physically attracted to you (even though you asked me to take you home 17 times?) because i tend to be attracted to, well, women built like the waitress. would you have preferred i said 'hey i'm not into you- do you mind if i stay and try to snag the waitress?' (um, no...i prefer that you not act like a jackass and ask the waitress out at ALL). anyway, take care and godspeed in your travels...hope you find all the happiness you deserve."

happy new year!

true confessions of an eating experiment cheater

i ate a dog snack.

yes, imagine the faces of the 8 other women in the nursing committee meeting as i blurted that out randomly after describing my current resolution/eating experiment. it went something like this:

(them smiling at me and listening intently, SO admiring of my resolve and intentionality)...

ME: "i am trying to eat only foods made from ingredients you can find in rural nepal for 14 days as part of my new year's resolution. it will not only help me get back on a healthy track, but it helps me to be respectful of the fact that there are millions of people all over the world who don't have 700 choices a day regarding what they eat. they have to eat what is available, and many times that is insufficient and very limited. this helps me to step away from my dependence on food as entertainment, and helps me to not take it for granted. i am truly appreciating not only the abundance we have, but every bite of this food that i am eating- regardless of whether or not i WANT to eat it."

one of THEM: "oh that is so wonderful. you have such amazing resolve (me doing little mental pat on the back while she speaks). i couldn't do it. you are such a good person and have such strength! how is it going so far?"

ME: "it has been hard, but i am learning a lot and putting together some interesting combinations with the ingredients i have available (nodding from the others)....(pause)...last night i had a little meltdown and i ate a dog snack."

(SILENCE)

okay. i can explain. actually, no i can't. there isn't anything to explain. i was putting my dog to bed and i gave her a dog snack- really more of a "cookie" than a biscuit. then i had one myself. truth told, it was delicious. i never realized that those dog cookies in the bins at petco are actually cookies. i swear those were real chocolate chips in there! i am going to now attempt to regain what little dignity i can by saying that i only ate one.... i had a whole bag staring me in the face, and i ate one. after the behemoth cravings i've been having the past 10 days, putting them down was a feat of monumental proportions. i can take pride in that. i will also qualify it by saying that in my life and my travels, i have eaten mice, goat vertebrae, iguana, chicken backs, and oats with more weavils than oats, so dog snacks weren't really a stretch.

neither was the bag of cheese. sigh. yes, i also ate one already-opened-partial-bag of swiss cheese. i will blame my sister for sending it home with me. there you have it. in the last 11 days, i have had only foods available in rural nepal, one dog snack, and one bag of shredded swiss. i am now back on track (the snack and the cheese were on adjacent days) and eating a steamed potato with sauteed onions on it as i write this. i may be down, but i'm not out! 3 days to go!

i think i'll survive! 5 days to go.

i just finished up day 9 of my 14 day nepal style eating (tweaked from the "dal-bhat-tarkari" resolution i started the year with) and so far, so good. i have regained my will to eat and am actually enjoying it again. that said, i will admit that it was brutal to attend our girl's night get together on monday night at a local mexican restaurant and NOT HAVE A SINGLE CHIP!! if i had been thinking straight, i would have at least aten some salsa with a spoon! 

i am still being true to nepali eating by only using ingredients readily available there. i spoke with a friend who lives in dadeldhura. he gave me an "easily found or easily grown" list and i have been using that. i did have to reluctantly give up using red bell peppers (whimper) since they only grown green in rural nepal. it has been all vegetarian so far, but once i started getting creative i haven't minded. i had 6 meals of mjeddrah (see my last post for the recipe) and i still wasn't gagging, so i highly recommend it! haha.

my niece had a good idea- i will list the ingredients, and if you have a recipe that would fit into those parameters, send it to me and i'll post. either comment here, or send me an email. i would love to add a little more variety, especially when i venture that direction. then i can think of you every time i eat it. :) it has been a great "diet" too- i feel great, and the pounds are starting to melt off.

"found or grown" ingredients available in rural nepal:
potatoes
onions
garlic
greens (spinach, chard, lettuce)
tomatoes
green peppers
zucchini
cucumber
cauliflower
carrots (limited)
hot chile peppers
rice
lentils
eggs
apples
oranges
lemons
bananas
mango (seasonal)
watermelon (seasonal)
mushrooms (limited at special market)
scallions
milk (can make yogurt)
spices- curry, turmeric, cumin, coriander, salt, paprika, red pepper, ginger (not sure about others but my friend said spices are easy to find in kathmandu and i can stock up)

so- if you have a recipe or an idea to share or file away for future use, i'd love to hear it!

p.s. update on other resolutions thus far- i have faithfully done the "no lights night" once a week since the first of january, and my house continues to be a chilly 64 degrees or below. well, it is 64 by the thermostat. somehow, it seems to be MUCH colder in the rest of the house! so far, so good. i hope your 2012 is going well.  :0)

variety is the spice of life (a.k.a. day 6 and my niece just saved my life)

it is day 6 of the nepali eating experiment, and i think my niece just saved my life. at the very least, she saved my palate. yesterday, i was musing about how i thought i would try something a little different with my eating resolution, and allow myself to be creative with the food combinations as long as the ingredients are all things that are available in rural nepal. if and when i go for an extended period, i will be doing most of my own cooking, so this could be a better taste (pardon the pun) of what the food experience will be like for me while i'm there. i am still wanting to keep it simple and use the basic ingredients (lentils, potatoes, rice, root vegetables, etc...) but i need to add some variety of taste or i run the real risk of stopping eating pretty much altogether. anyway....


...that is where my niece, kathy, comes into the picture. she commented on one of my posts and added a recipe for a dish called mjeddrah that uses the basic ingredients, but in a way that was unusual. i will admit, it sounded a bit disgusting to me. not because of the lentil and rice based stew, or because of the salad type fresh veggies, or because of the "dressing"- but because you TOP the hot stew with the cold salad and pour the dressing all over the top. um?!!?
 i searched the web and found oodles of other mjeddrah recipes, many of which included the salad and dressing in the one-dish stew. if others are doing it, how bad can it be? i decided to give it a whirl. i used elements from kathy's recipe that weren't in some of the others (celery and carrots), and i used an online recipe for the dressing instead of using commercially prepared vinaigrette as hers calls for. i also used a bed of spinach instead of lettuce since i can find evidence that spinach is more readily available in rural nepal than lettuce. can i tell you something?


the results were spectacular!!!! i know i'm hungry, and i know i am craving variety, but as i was eating this dish, i was thinking that it was perhaps one of my favorite meals to-date. that is saying something, because i love my food! below is the "karin version" of mjeddrah, nepali style.

• in large pot or dutch oven, heat 3 Tbsp oil or ghee
• sautee 2 cups chopped onion and 2 cloves minced garlic for 2-3 minutes
• add 1 cup chopped carrots and 1 cup chopped celery (optional) and sautee for another 2-3 minutes
• add 3/4 cup brown rice (i actually used long grain and wild rice) and sautee together until onions are translucent and rice opaque, and veggies start to soften (5ish minutes)

• add 1 1/2 cups green lentils (any color would work) and 4 1/2 cups water.
• add 1/2 tsp salt, and sprinkle of spices, if you desire. i added about 1/2 tsp turmeric, 1/2 tsp cumin, and 1/2 tsp curry
• bring to a boil and then cover and reduce heat and simmer for 45-50 minutes, until rice and lentils are tender and thick consistency is obtained.

while stew cooks, make dressing (2-4 servings):
whisk together the following-

• 6 Tbsp oil (i used grapeseed but olive, canola, etc...would work too)
• 2 Tbsp lemon juice
• 2 cloves minced garlic
• 1/2 tsp dry mustard or 1 tsp dijon mustard
• 1tsp paprika
• 1 tsp honey or agave nectar
• 1/4-1/2 tsp chili garlic paste (or shiracha chili sauce...this is optional but adds a nice zing)

place 1 cup fresh spinach on plate/bowl. top with stew. add "salad fixins" (ie: chopped red onion, chopped red pepper, cucumber, chopped tomatoes, chopped green onion) on top of stew, and drizzle dressing over the entire thing.

once you tire of eating the mjeddrah this way, add broth or water and turn into soup.

variety- the spice of life. thank you kathy!