happiness is...

happiness is...
kenya 2010

Sunday, September 18, 2011

time to be authentic. read at your own risk- this one's not funny.

sometimes i hide behind my humor. other times, i hide behind my faith...or the busy-ness of life...or my smile...or my generally optimistic attitude. but some days, like the past two, i can't hide. i guess it's more accurate to say i can't hide from myself- because i've been pretty good at hiding the truth from everyone else. if i am going to live an authentic life, though, i need to be careful about hiding- especially from myself.

i've been sitting at home most of the weekend, listening to what's in my head and trying to face it head on, instead of drowning it out. what it's telling me is that i am lonely. super lonely. heartbreakingly lonely. maybe it's the fall weather, with the cold and the storms. i call it "snuggle weather". yeah, you get the picture. it's hard to snuggle solo. i won't deny that i miss the warmth of a real live person next to me sometimes. don't get me wrong- i have wonderful friends and family that i can always turn to, and that would keep me company at a moment's notice, but you know full well that's not what i mean. i know full well that's not what i mean, too. the best friend in the world can't take the place of being in love. or even in "like". i've almost forgotten what that feels like, and that makes me sad.

i can blame it on the weather, but i think it's more than that. the people that know me well won't be that surprised at this, but the ones who don't will probably never understand. i think it's scott. more complicated than i can ever explain- but here is the nutshell. 28 years ago i fell in love with the man i thought would still be by my side today. two years later, he had a car accident that left him in a nursing home with a head injury for the next 25 years. i loved him every minute of those 27 years...and last year, 4 hours before his 49th birthday, he died. his birthday (and for all intents and purposes the anniversary of his death) was yesterday. his 50th birthday. most days i celebrate his life and i am grateful that his suffering is over and that he's finally moved on and has been healed- but not yesterday, and not today.

the past two days have been a reminder that his love is gone from my life, and that not only was he not by my side the past 27 years, but he never will be again. if it ended there, i would be okay with it. love and loss. they go together. i get that. what i am not okay with is the little voice that starts asking if i think he was "the one" and if i think i'll ever find that again? and then i start looking at my life and what i'm trying to do with it, and realize that i have made it harder than ever to find someone that will want to share this journey with me. if i think it's hard now, i should skip forward to when i'm living in a hut in africa somewhere, doing mission work. that's what my brain has been doing this weekend. skipping forward and focusing on how isolated i will be from romance and intimacy and all of those things that seems so desperately important today. and i start to wonder how i will survive. by the grace of god, i guess. that's how. i sure can't do it on my own. even that feels like a load of crap today, in the midst of my loneliness.

how's that for authentic?



  1. I believe that God knows, our wants, needs, hopes, and desires. I also believe that if this is truly your calling then you need to rest in the knowledge that he knows what he is doing. I know it can be lonely but he will provide companionship when he feels the time is right.

  2. I seriously know what you're feeling. I'm going to have some real-talk right now with you, because this is a real-talk post: I have never, in my whole life, had a real boyfriend. I am a serial dater. It's quite sad, and people never believe me when I tell them this, because of all their preconceptions of how I am...Smart, funny, kind of maybe pretty, well educated, well traveled bleh bleh bleh ginger..

    We should get together to discuss this. Because I know you have pearls, and I am currently "dating" two lovely men who both live far away and between whom I cannot choose for several reasons.

    Being alone blows, man. So does "the dating game". I'm probably way too young to be saying that, but dating really sucks. I hate asking the same questions, doing the same drill, wearing my "fool proof black dress" every first date. Blech...

    Most days, like you: I'm pretty ok with being alone, and some days I get real sad. And lonely. And down on myself because somehow, I think that it must be my problem. I'm with you on the friends. They are fantastic, but somehow just don't fill the void. Looks like we have more in common that one might think! Love you Karin!

  3. yes, pretty girl (and i mean pretty...not kinda, maybe, sorta pretty)- this is a real talk post and i am so glad to get your real talk response. you are right...we do need to get together and i'll share not only your pain, but the pearls i have stored up over time that help me remember that singleness really is a blessing, and that god can use us in so many more ways than if we were tied to an "other". our single time is god's gift to us, and allows our lives to be a gift to him. oh....and i'll also tell you how much fun "dating" can be! really!! you name the time and the coffee shop, and i'm there sister.

    i always knew we were kindred spirits, by the way. i'm just gnarlier. love you too!

  4. Karin - I didn't know about your loss. I am so sorry to hear.

    On another note - I love what you are doing! I love your blog!

  5. thank you, carrie! i am so glad you like the blog. i have enjoyed doing it and hope it helps someone, somewhere, somehow.

    ...and thank you for the words about scott and my loss. i spent most of our senior year at the hospital and then the nursing home. i even got dressed up and took a boom box to his hospital room for our "snowball dance". he wasn't conscious, but i couldn't stand to spend it without him. it made me feel better, anyway!

  6. I am mostly speechless. Here I am reading a blog from someone who has become one of my best friends in the world. I have become reaquainted with this friend from my past who, as it turns out, I barely knew back then. As I have gone through some troubles of my own, you have come back into my life & spent hours, days & months with me. You have always been one who sacrifices her valuable time for others. I am fortunate enough to be included on that list. Here I am who has benefitted from your generosity & have become a better man. I have healed greatly due to your help. Here I am one who has abandoned you in your time of need. I want to give you a big virtual hug from Ohio & I want you to know I am sorry. I love you.

  7. July 6,2014. I just read this and it made me a bit sad about what might have been had Scott not had his horrific accident. My beloved and I had a recent talk about you being in Nepal and we both agreed that Scott most likely would have been by your side there because he always like a challenge....and your life there certainly has given you your share. Perhaps Scott is there with you in spirit....I"d like to think so.

    1. agreed... if there is any way in the "hereafter" for him to also be in the "here and now", i am sure he is here with me. thank you- the one blessing that came out of all of this has been the love of your family. i lost him but gained so much in the process. i love you guys. :)