sometimes i hide behind my humor. other times, i hide behind my faith...or the busy-ness of life...or my smile...or my generally optimistic attitude. but some days, like the past two, i can't hide. i guess it's more accurate to say i can't hide from myself- because i've been pretty good at hiding the truth from everyone else. if i am going to live an authentic life, though, i need to be careful about hiding- especially from myself.
i've been sitting at home most of the weekend, listening to what's in my head and trying to face it head on, instead of drowning it out. what it's telling me is that i am lonely. super lonely. heartbreakingly lonely. maybe it's the fall weather, with the cold and the storms. i call it "snuggle weather". yeah, you get the picture. it's hard to snuggle solo. i won't deny that i miss the warmth of a real live person next to me sometimes. don't get me wrong- i have wonderful friends and family that i can always turn to, and that would keep me company at a moment's notice, but you know full well that's not what i mean. i know full well that's not what i mean, too. the best friend in the world can't take the place of being in love. or even in "like". i've almost forgotten what that feels like, and that makes me sad.
i can blame it on the weather, but i think it's more than that. the people that know me well won't be that surprised at this, but the ones who don't will probably never understand. i think it's scott. more complicated than i can ever explain- but here is the nutshell. 28 years ago i fell in love with the man i thought would still be by my side today. two years later, he had a car accident that left him in a nursing home with a head injury for the next 25 years. i loved him every minute of those 27 years...and last year, 4 hours before his 49th birthday, he died. his birthday (and for all intents and purposes the anniversary of his death) was yesterday. his 50th birthday. most days i celebrate his life and i am grateful that his suffering is over and that he's finally moved on and has been healed- but not yesterday, and not today.
the past two days have been a reminder that his love is gone from my life, and that not only was he not by my side the past 27 years, but he never will be again. if it ended there, i would be okay with it. love and loss. they go together. i get that. what i am not okay with is the little voice that starts asking if i think he was "the one" and if i think i'll ever find that again? and then i start looking at my life and what i'm trying to do with it, and realize that i have made it harder than ever to find someone that will want to share this journey with me. if i think it's hard now, i should skip forward to when i'm living in a hut in africa somewhere, doing mission work. that's what my brain has been doing this weekend. skipping forward and focusing on how isolated i will be from romance and intimacy and all of those things that seems so desperately important today. and i start to wonder how i will survive. by the grace of god, i guess. that's how. i sure can't do it on my own. even that feels like a load of crap today, in the midst of my loneliness.
how's that for authentic?