happiness is...

happiness is...
kenya 2010

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

a win and a loss on the same day....

today i won the contest i had with my boyfriend- "first one to lose 10 pounds wins a fabulous prize!" what is the prize, you may ask? well, i don't actually know. i never got to find out. today i won the contest but i lost my boyfriend.

did i mention that we were also supposed to go to sedona tomorrow for a labor day trip? yep. timing is everything. perfect, as always.

out of respect for him and his privacy, i won't expound (seriously, don't act so shocked) except to say that there are some people you are meant to love but not be with. evidently that is true with us.

my heart is broken. broken, but thinner. there's always a bright side.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

looking for the bright side

the week before last was a rough week. on monday, i had to put my dog to sleep. on that following sunday, my stepmom died. like i said, it was a rough week.

i recently had a good friend say to me, "i don't think i've ever known anyone who has suffered so many significant losses in such a short period of time." this wasn't comforting, considering my friend is a psychologist specializing in depression, and has studied hundreds if not thousands of depressed people. that is definitely a distinction i wish i could trade in for one more fun or glamorous. truth is, he's right. in the past 2 years, i have lost both cats, my dogs thor and xena, my mom, my first love (see blog post entitled "time to be authentic"), and my stepmom. my sister kim is also dying. as much as i hate to say that out loud, not saying it won't make it less true. before this year is over, i will probably have lost her too.

i try to tell myself that it isn't about me, but that's not exactly true. death is not really about the dying. it's more about the ones left behind. the dying will finally be healed. we are told that there are no tears in heaven. not so, on earth. while the dying are finally healed of everything that was broken in this life, their loved ones are still broken...and more so, because of their loss. so, while it isn't really about me, it is. how many times can a heart break in 2 years? why do i have to be the one to find out? they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. by now, i should be the strongest woman on earth.

i am always one that's able to find a bright side in every situation- a silver lining, so to speak. it has been tough this time. the thought that my life is clearing out of everything and everyone i love, and that the lack of "roots" will make it easier to move away, doesn't quite seem like a bright side.

for now, it's all i've got.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

play it safe or play with fire?

i've never been good at playing it safe. this time, that may come back to bite me. i have started seeing someone and he is not "nepal guy"- meaning that i am moving to nepal to do full time mission work, and he is not. can't. not an option. absoflippinlutely not nepal guy... yet now he's my boyfriend. hey- i TOLD you this was going to come back to bite me.

i only have myself to blame. i knew he was not nepal guy when he asked me out. well, to be fair, i didn't actually know he was asking me out that first time. i know that sounds silly, but we have known each other a long time semi-socially, and i thought he just wanted to get together over a beer and discuss my latest trip (nepal, ironically) and catch up. turns out that for a "professional dater" (his pet name for me), i can be pretty naive. it was definitely a date. it probably wasn't a very fun date for him since i spent it cataloguing all the reasons we'd be a horrible match, and all the concerns i had about being associated with him in more than a casual way. i even went so far as to tell him that i wanted to avoid all the drama, and date him in private...only go places no one was likely to see or recognize us.. oh my, i was a fun one that night. believe it or not, i must have looked smashing because despite my less than encouraging feedback, he asked me out again. and again. and i kept going. despite myself, i kept having fun. i also kept telling myself that i wouldn't get attached because it's a really bad idea, especially considering the mandatory end- my move to nepal. i took solace in my "professional dater" status, knowing that i rarely get too attached and seldom go on more than a few dates with any one person. in other words, i'm cool calm and collected and am always in total control. i haven't had a long-term boyfriend in 4 years. no problem.

you guessed it. five weeks and 2 days later, i'm attached. he's handsome, nice, funny, and thoughtful. best of all, he's smitten and seems to adore me. that's a quality i admire in a man. it's a little too late to be asking these questions, but i have to wonder if this was wise. should i have played it safe and protected my heart, knowing there is a time limit to this relationship, or should i have gone ahead to experience all that this has to offer in the "here and now"? life is short as well as uncertain, and it seems sad to look so far into the future that you don't fully embrace the now. the now feels good and makes me happy, so i'm leaning toward the latter.

ask me again when it's time to leave.