happiness is...

happiness is...
kenya 2010

Sunday, April 29, 2012

grace for space

well, it is officially here- the time when i go from being an independent woman- living on my own and doing what i want, when i want-to being a roommate. oh yike.

i don't play well with others. i have never been married, and barring a stint over 20 years ago when i lived with a boyfriend, i have mostly lived alone. i have a small house that has only my things in it. it is quiet when i want it to be quiet. it is dirty when i don't mind it being dirty. it is clean and neat when i need some "zen". the toaster is exactly where i want it (under the counter in a cupboard), as is the TV (i don't have one). that is all about to change. to be more exact, life as i have known it for the last 20ish years is about to change. that became evident this week as i was cooking eggs naked except for the post-shower towel on my head. i am sorry for that visual- but it was necessary to make a point. the point is, unless i want to scar my new roommate for eternity, i need to stop cooking eggs while turban-naked. i need to stop doing a lot of things that have become my hermit norm.

don't get me wrong- getting a roommate is a good thing. i am beyond grateful for this opportunity. god sent yvonne my way as a means to help save money for my upcoming mission work in nepal, and to provide someone to live in and take care of my house while i'm gone- still leaving me with a place to come home to...a home base, if you will. she was an answer to prayers and i am thrilled about the journey that we're about to embark on together. i am less thrilled with trying to cram her king sized bedroom set into my twin sized spare room, and not being able to pee the very second that i want to, if she's already in the bathroom. see? we have some compromise in our future.

did i mention i don't play well with others? prayers for grace- and thanksgiving for the opportunity to grow and get outside my comfort zone. that is always a good thing, no matter how painful. i am sure i will get used to cooking with clothes on, too. i'll let you know.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

what's not to like?

today was not a good day.

it's always hard to sit and hear someone tell you things that they don't like about what you're doing, or how you're acting. what's even worse is to sit there and listen to them tell you that they basically don't like who you are, or how you are, in general. i have a friend- and yes, i consider her a friend- who did just that today. she sat and listed off all the things that are bothering her about me and about our interaction in a mutual team/project that we participate in weekly. what hit home is that the things she mentioned are not things that i can change unless i change the very core of my personality. at the very least, i have to act in ways that are completely contrary to my nature. to please her, i have to be less "me". WAY less "me". the other alternative is to continue to be myself, knowing that i am stepping on her toes, offending her, and making her uncomfortable as a result. that isn't a good option, either. i have never liked conflict and prefer for everyone to get along. the phrase "don't worry, be happy" could have been coined just for me. because of that, i am not comfortable continuing to be a source of irritation and insecurity for her intentionally. this has left me in an incredibly difficult spot- one in which i can only be true to myself or true to someone else, but can't do both simultaneously. i hate that. i really hate that. so today, i am praying for clarity.

i just want to thank debbie, who had no idea the kind of day i had, but who met me at my jeep after work with a container of homemade chicken noodle soup "just because". no gesture could have been sweeter or more appreciated. it's nice to know someone loves me just the way i am....

Friday, April 6, 2012

self esteem- on sale now at home depot's lawn and garden section

i needed that.

i have been feeling less than attractive lately. maybe it's the handful of winter insulation pounds that i put on (and didn't need at all this year), or maybe it is the fact that i have a knee that's acting up and keeping me from exercising like i usually do. maybe it's even the "mission haircut" that i got 3 weeks ago, which doesn't require a blow dryer, straightening iron, or anything electric to pull off. it's cute, granted, but probably less "sexy" than my previous hairstyles. i'm still wrestling with that and the vanity/pride issues tied to it. regardless of the exact cause, the fact is that i have been feeling frumpy and blob-ish. home depot changed that.

i should say that a rather short, middle aged, average looking guy at home depot changed that. i was strolling through the lawn and garden section, browsing the lawn seed and starter bags. this guy darted in front of my cart. in all fairness, he started it. he said, "usually people wait until they get to know me before they try to run me over." never one to let witty banter pass, i fired back with, "yes, but i am a really good judge of character." then i breezed past into the weed barrier and flowerbed edging aisle. there he was again...with another snappy comment and a lingering smile. once again i shot back with something silly. then breeeeeeeeeeeeeezed over to the mulch aisle. he wheeled past me two or three times with no obvious destination in mind, zigzagging around and never taking his eyes off of me. finally he came over and said, "this may be completely inappropriate, but i have to say it. you are a very attractive, highly distracting woman." then, after a smile and a wink he said, "i think you know it!" well, sir, maybe now i do.

thanks! i. needed. that.