god and my cell phone were arguing in the grand canyon

we get messages from all sorts of places, and sometimes it's difficult to determine which ones are lying to us and which ones are telling the truth. i believe, in part, that it is our responsibility to filter them and decide which ones we will allow to speak to our hearts and whisper to us who we are. after my breakup last week, i was hoping that my trip to sedona and my hike into the grand canyon would give me lots of time to talk to god, and some time in return for him to talk to me and remind me who i am. what i am. what i should do. you know, words of wisdom from the creator that made me in his image. that's not asking too much, right?

i am not naive enough to believe that you have to trek halfway across the country and head into the wilderness to encounter god- but it sure makes it difficult to ignore him or deny him when you're surrounded by the majesty of nature and hours upon hours of solo time trekking down (and then up... forever UP) into the canyons of arizona. i planned to take full advantage of that uninterrupted time to speak to him. uninterrupted, that is, except for my cell phone. thanks to technology and text messaging, god isn't the only one to talk to in the middle of nowhere. evidently my ex can reach me there, too. and "he" did. (i should admit that i replied...every time. sigh.)

it's not that god and the ex were telling me drastically different things on the surface- it's what was being whispered to my heart that was so different. god was saying, "you're loved". "he" was whispering, "you're loved, but i love myself more". god was saying, "you're special" and "he" was whispering, "you're special, but not special enough for me to make you a priority". god was saying, "you are beautiful and valuable" and "he" was whispering, "you are beautiful and valuable, but still not worth enough for me to try to find a way to make it work". god was saying, "i miss you and want you in my life" and "he" was whispering, "i miss you and want you in my life, but only to the extent that it doesn't interfere with anything i'm doing or inconvenience me in any way. i want you there on my terms because this is about me and what i need, and not you and what you need." i should have thrown that cell phone off the south rim and into the colorado river.

ultimately, it's good that it happened. it taught me a lesson. when we broke up, there was discussion about how he likes to remain friends and keep in contact with his ex's and how i believe it's healthier (for me and my sanity, at least) to cut all ties and have no contact, unless absolutely necessary. if i am not your girlfriend anymore, i don't want to see your face, hear your voice, be told about your activities- nothing. i want to pretend that you don't exist. that may sound harsh, but if you are no longer my reality, you can't hurt me anymore. i also don't think it's fair for you to be able to use me for electronic company when you're bored, or lonely, or sad, or desirous. it's not fair to keep your foot in the door. for me, it's an all or nothing thing. if you don't want all of me, and all of this experience, you get nothing. that's god's model. he wants all of my heart. in turn, i give all of my heart to him and to those i love. i expect the same in return. who am i kidding? i expect it all in return, but i'll accept 20%. if you can't give even that, what's the point? that's when the healthy thing to do is cut loose.

today, something new was whispered to my heart. it was a sound, and not words... 

..."snip. snip."

oh- didn't i mention that??

You know your life is eventful and tumultuous when you quit your job and it doesn’t top the list of the most important things to blog about that week. Or the next. Wow. Now that we’ve gotten the other news out of the way…..drumroll please…..wait for it….

I quit my job.

Hmmmmmmm. Seems a little anticlimactic now, but it wasn’t then. It was a pretty dramatic decision. Dramatic, but quick. I talked to the manager over the Endoscopy Center at our hospital on Tuesday, mulled it over on Wednesday, decided to take the job Thursday, and gave my notice on Friday. The decision brought  an onslaught of emotions- some I anticipated, others I didn’t. Guilt over leaving my office mates (and leaving them with my workload when I go), sadness for turning over the program I created and developed, anxiety for our patients who may or may not have an official “advocate” when I leave,  concern over the future of the program, trepidation, anticipation, resolve…and relief.

So much relief.

This will be a half time position (oops- I forgot “fear of starving to death” in my above list) doing bedside nursing in the Endoscopy Center. I will be caring for patients and assisting with scopes and procedures. My patients will be happy (because I’m their nurse, duh!), and I’ll be happy dealing with happy patients. I will have an extra day off each week, and afternoons free from 1:30p or 2p on. I will have flexibility to help Kim or care for Cameron as her life here on earth comes to a close. I will have more time to study and do fundraising so that I can move forward in my quest to get to the mission field. I can practice living frugally in prep for the life of a missionary (um…yay?). And most of all, the hope is that I can sleep again once the frustration over what my job has become, in contrast to my vision for it and what it should be, has faded.

So much relief.

(Please join me in humming the tune to Jeopardy as we anxiously await September 21^st.)

 

a win and a loss on the same day....

today i won the contest i had with my boyfriend- "first one to lose 10 pounds wins a fabulous prize!" what is the prize, you may ask? well, i don't actually know. i never got to find out. today i won the contest but i lost my boyfriend.

did i mention that we were also supposed to go to sedona tomorrow for a labor day trip? yep. timing is everything. perfect, as always.

out of respect for him and his privacy, i won't expound (seriously, don't act so shocked) except to say that there are some people you are meant to love but not be with. evidently that is true with us.

my heart is broken. broken, but thinner. there's always a bright side.

looking for the bright side

the week before last was a rough week. on monday, i had to put my dog to sleep. on that following sunday, my stepmom died. like i said, it was a rough week.

i recently had a good friend say to me, "i don't think i've ever known anyone who has suffered so many significant losses in such a short period of time." this wasn't comforting, considering my friend is a psychologist specializing in depression, and has studied hundreds if not thousands of depressed people. that is definitely a distinction i wish i could trade in for one more fun or glamorous. truth is, he's right. in the past 2 years, i have lost both cats, my dogs thor and xena, my mom, my first love (see blog post entitled "time to be authentic"), and my stepmom. my sister kim is also dying. as much as i hate to say that out loud, not saying it won't make it less true. before this year is over, i will probably have lost her too.

i try to tell myself that it isn't about me, but that's not exactly true. death is not really about the dying. it's more about the ones left behind. the dying will finally be healed. we are told that there are no tears in heaven. not so, on earth. while the dying are finally healed of everything that was broken in this life, their loved ones are still broken...and more so, because of their loss. so, while it isn't really about me, it is. how many times can a heart break in 2 years? why do i have to be the one to find out? they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. by now, i should be the strongest woman on earth.

i am always one that's able to find a bright side in every situation- a silver lining, so to speak. it has been tough this time. the thought that my life is clearing out of everything and everyone i love, and that the lack of "roots" will make it easier to move away, doesn't quite seem like a bright side.

for now, it's all i've got.

play it safe or play with fire?

i've never been good at playing it safe. this time, that may come back to bite me. i have started seeing someone and he is not "nepal guy"- meaning that i am moving to nepal to do full time mission work, and he is not. can't. not an option. absoflippinlutely not nepal guy... yet now he's my boyfriend. hey- i TOLD you this was going to come back to bite me.

i only have myself to blame. i knew he was not nepal guy when he asked me out. well, to be fair, i didn't actually know he was asking me out that first time. i know that sounds silly, but we have known each other a long time semi-socially, and i thought he just wanted to get together over a beer and discuss my latest trip (nepal, ironically) and catch up. turns out that for a "professional dater" (his pet name for me), i can be pretty naive. it was definitely a date. it probably wasn't a very fun date for him since i spent it cataloguing all the reasons we'd be a horrible match, and all the concerns i had about being associated with him in more than a casual way. i even went so far as to tell him that i wanted to avoid all the drama, and date him in private...only go places no one was likely to see or recognize us.. oh my, i was a fun one that night. believe it or not, i must have looked smashing because despite my less than encouraging feedback, he asked me out again. and again. and i kept going. despite myself, i kept having fun. i also kept telling myself that i wouldn't get attached because it's a really bad idea, especially considering the mandatory end- my move to nepal. i took solace in my "professional dater" status, knowing that i rarely get too attached and seldom go on more than a few dates with any one person. in other words, i'm cool calm and collected and am always in total control. i haven't had a long-term boyfriend in 4 years. no problem.

you guessed it. five weeks and 2 days later, i'm attached. he's handsome, nice, funny, and thoughtful. best of all, he's smitten and seems to adore me. that's a quality i admire in a man. it's a little too late to be asking these questions, but i have to wonder if this was wise. should i have played it safe and protected my heart, knowing there is a time limit to this relationship, or should i have gone ahead to experience all that this has to offer in the "here and now"? life is short as well as uncertain, and it seems sad to look so far into the future that you don't fully embrace the now. the now feels good and makes me happy, so i'm leaning toward the latter.

ask me again when it's time to leave.

six pounds! count 'em six!!

just a quick update...i have stayed true to my resolution of a couple of weeks ago- to watch what i eat and exercise more, and as a result to lose weight. i love myfitnesspal.com. it has helped me stay right on track and to keep my net calories to around 1200 a day (average). and guess what? i probably gave it away in my not-so-subtle post title, but...

I HAVE LOST 6 POUNDS!!!!

not bad. i have a few more to go, but i won't focus on that for the time being. for now i'll focus on my SIX POUNDS! :0) can you tell i'm psyched? i have a contest going right now with "the boy that's to blame" (more about him in my next post) and the first one to 10 pounds wins a fabulous prize. he is at 3 and i am at.....say it with me...SIX! only 4 more to find out what my fabulous prize even is. i have one picked out for him, too. but shhhhhhhhhhhhh. it's a secret.

say some prayers for me tomorrow. it's pizza party day in our department. sigh.

fat. it's a state of mind...until you step on the scale

ow.


so, i'm tired of being fat. okay, maybe not exactly fat, but fatter than i need or want to be. over the past couple of years i have let my fitness level decline. some of that can be blamed on circumstance- 2010 was largely spent helping care for my dying mother, and 2011 brought with it a much needed, but very limiting, spine surgery. since then, however, i have nothing to blame it on but being lazy and somewhat unmotivated. granted, i have my moments of brilliance, but they have proven to be too few and far between. i am still active and relatively fit, doing things like biking and kayaking- but evidently it isn't enough. i stepped on the scale for the first time in several months, and i am ashamed to say that i am about a pound shy of the panic level. you know, that weight that you absolutely, positively, without a doubt refuse to surpass. whew! just in time...


over the past couple of weeks i have made some big changes in my lifestyle. there is a boy to blame, of course, but that is a different story.  i have started doing my kickboxing again and am working back into yoga. i have signed up on a fitness and diet tracking site called myfitnesspal.com, which allows me to enter my daily food intake and exercise exertion and calculates how many calories i have left in the day based on that info. it takes into account my activity level, age, gender, and how many pounds i want to lose each week (it won't let me pick 25. i tried), and gives me feedback on how i'm doing toward that goal. it is a very tangible measure of my progress when the actual pound loss or body changes come too slowly to motivate me. i am now hooked. i have to be careful...you know how i can be when it comes to balance...but so far so good. while i do obsessively log every single bite (as soon as i get off of here i am going to sign on and enter the 2 raw almonds i snacked on a few minutes ago) and i faithfully include every single bit of activity i do (like dancing to the music at a Third Day concert last night), i still think this will be a healthy and positive life change. perhaps my favorite part is that it tells me when i am either eating too little or exercising too much, and am in danger of going into starvation mode. true, i could probably live a few months on body fat stores alone, but i appreciate the warning anyway. :0)


i am looking forward to pursuing this goal, and all that entails along the way. i am shooting for a definite 15 pounds and a possible total of 20 if i feel that i still have a way to go when i get there. i am also trying to keep in mind things like body fat and muscle mass, since my kickboxing may bulk me up like an american gladiator (yeah, right!). what i am less excited about is the ability to feel every single muscle i have used in each and every workout. they scream at me with every move. walking up the stairs when i get home is a herculean task, and brushing my teeth is tricky because it hurts to hold my arm up for the entire 3 minutes. yike. the upside is that i can feel those screaming muscles turning into solid muscles, and the cushion layer over them is slowly melting away. i am confident that in another couple of weeks, i'll be able to brush my teeth without giving it another thought. in the meantime...


ow.