in case you are wondering how things are going with "4 dates guy", you can stop. they aren't.
after my nightmare of a new year's eve date, the next man i found myself out with was a breath of fresh air. he was smart, funny, sweet, spiritual, genuine, and warm- and best of all, he was into me. at the time of that blog post, he and i had been out on several dates, had a few more planned, and there was no end in sight. i should have known better.
maybe it was wishful thinking. i haven't had an actual boyfriend in 3 1/2 years (if i have dated you in the past 3 1/2 years and you are just now finding out that you weren't my "boyfriend", i am sorry you had to hear it this way. haha...kidding!). those 3 1/2 years have been good years, but they were often lonely years. i have learned to be happy by myself, and have also learned the art of simply d.a.t.i.n.g. without having to lock into a relationship, but i won't pretend that there isn't a part of me that has longed to find someone exclusive. someone to get excited about. someone that i actually want to talk to, or see, daily. someone to not only go do the fancy things with, but also the mundane. the share-a-cup-of-coffee-and-read-the-paper-on-sunday-morning-with guy. this guy reminded me that i was looking for that. this guy made me believe that i hadn't exhausted all my possibilities. this guy was possibilities.
all of our dates were good- including the one that caused the crash and burn. maybe especially the one that caused the crash and burn. how odd, but how true. we had a super packed, super fun afternoon/evening planned. we started with the mundane which included a hike in the woods near my house with my dog and thrift store shopping, and ended with the fancy- drinks and appetizers downtown, a couple's massage (which just means we both got a 30 minute relaxation massage at the same time), and a sushi and ramen dinner at yokohama. we laughed, we held hands, we wandered, we gazed into each others' eyes...and then it happened.
he got the call- or as i like to think of it, "The Call". it was a call from his 12 year old son, sobbing, and saying that their guinea pig had died. tragic, yes. life changing? it was for me. you see, that call destroyed our possibilities. to me, it was a sad call but part of life. pets die. kids cry. life goes on. to him, it was an accusation of failure. failure as a husband (ex), father, human being. it saturated him in guilt and shame. it plunged him into the realization that if he could have kept his marriage from crumbling he would be there for his children in this, their time of need. it brought with it a conviction that if he wasn't with me, 2 1/2 hours from home, on a date, he could have driven home to comfort his children. it magnified the truth that there isn't yet room in his heart for his children and a new girlfriend. when he left me after our date, i got the sense he was leaving me for good.
i hate being this intuitive...sometimes i hate being right. today i got the "you are an amazing woman with a wonderful spirit" email. oh how i hate that email. he was kind and gracious and said all the right things- except "you are wrong, i am not ending this." that was the only thing i was hoping to hear. in fairness, i already knew this wouldn't be permanent because last night made it painfully clear that he is not, ever (no matter how old they are), going to move away from his children to some remote village on some far away continent, to do mission work by my side.
but a girl can dream.