looking for the bright side

the week before last was a rough week. on monday, i had to put my dog to sleep. on that following sunday, my stepmom died. like i said, it was a rough week.

i recently had a good friend say to me, "i don't think i've ever known anyone who has suffered so many significant losses in such a short period of time." this wasn't comforting, considering my friend is a psychologist specializing in depression, and has studied hundreds if not thousands of depressed people. that is definitely a distinction i wish i could trade in for one more fun or glamorous. truth is, he's right. in the past 2 years, i have lost both cats, my dogs thor and xena, my mom, my first love (see blog post entitled "time to be authentic"), and my stepmom. my sister kim is also dying. as much as i hate to say that out loud, not saying it won't make it less true. before this year is over, i will probably have lost her too.

i try to tell myself that it isn't about me, but that's not exactly true. death is not really about the dying. it's more about the ones left behind. the dying will finally be healed. we are told that there are no tears in heaven. not so, on earth. while the dying are finally healed of everything that was broken in this life, their loved ones are still broken...and more so, because of their loss. so, while it isn't really about me, it is. how many times can a heart break in 2 years? why do i have to be the one to find out? they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. by now, i should be the strongest woman on earth.

i am always one that's able to find a bright side in every situation- a silver lining, so to speak. it has been tough this time. the thought that my life is clearing out of everything and everyone i love, and that the lack of "roots" will make it easier to move away, doesn't quite seem like a bright side.

for now, it's all i've got.

play it safe or play with fire?

i've never been good at playing it safe. this time, that may come back to bite me. i have started seeing someone and he is not "nepal guy"- meaning that i am moving to nepal to do full time mission work, and he is not. can't. not an option. absoflippinlutely not nepal guy... yet now he's my boyfriend. hey- i TOLD you this was going to come back to bite me.

i only have myself to blame. i knew he was not nepal guy when he asked me out. well, to be fair, i didn't actually know he was asking me out that first time. i know that sounds silly, but we have known each other a long time semi-socially, and i thought he just wanted to get together over a beer and discuss my latest trip (nepal, ironically) and catch up. turns out that for a "professional dater" (his pet name for me), i can be pretty naive. it was definitely a date. it probably wasn't a very fun date for him since i spent it cataloguing all the reasons we'd be a horrible match, and all the concerns i had about being associated with him in more than a casual way. i even went so far as to tell him that i wanted to avoid all the drama, and date him in private...only go places no one was likely to see or recognize us.. oh my, i was a fun one that night. believe it or not, i must have looked smashing because despite my less than encouraging feedback, he asked me out again. and again. and i kept going. despite myself, i kept having fun. i also kept telling myself that i wouldn't get attached because it's a really bad idea, especially considering the mandatory end- my move to nepal. i took solace in my "professional dater" status, knowing that i rarely get too attached and seldom go on more than a few dates with any one person. in other words, i'm cool calm and collected and am always in total control. i haven't had a long-term boyfriend in 4 years. no problem.

you guessed it. five weeks and 2 days later, i'm attached. he's handsome, nice, funny, and thoughtful. best of all, he's smitten and seems to adore me. that's a quality i admire in a man. it's a little too late to be asking these questions, but i have to wonder if this was wise. should i have played it safe and protected my heart, knowing there is a time limit to this relationship, or should i have gone ahead to experience all that this has to offer in the "here and now"? life is short as well as uncertain, and it seems sad to look so far into the future that you don't fully embrace the now. the now feels good and makes me happy, so i'm leaning toward the latter.

ask me again when it's time to leave.

six pounds! count 'em six!!

just a quick update...i have stayed true to my resolution of a couple of weeks ago- to watch what i eat and exercise more, and as a result to lose weight. i love myfitnesspal.com. it has helped me stay right on track and to keep my net calories to around 1200 a day (average). and guess what? i probably gave it away in my not-so-subtle post title, but...

I HAVE LOST 6 POUNDS!!!!

not bad. i have a few more to go, but i won't focus on that for the time being. for now i'll focus on my SIX POUNDS! :0) can you tell i'm psyched? i have a contest going right now with "the boy that's to blame" (more about him in my next post) and the first one to 10 pounds wins a fabulous prize. he is at 3 and i am at.....say it with me...SIX! only 4 more to find out what my fabulous prize even is. i have one picked out for him, too. but shhhhhhhhhhhhh. it's a secret.

say some prayers for me tomorrow. it's pizza party day in our department. sigh.

fat. it's a state of mind...until you step on the scale

ow.


so, i'm tired of being fat. okay, maybe not exactly fat, but fatter than i need or want to be. over the past couple of years i have let my fitness level decline. some of that can be blamed on circumstance- 2010 was largely spent helping care for my dying mother, and 2011 brought with it a much needed, but very limiting, spine surgery. since then, however, i have nothing to blame it on but being lazy and somewhat unmotivated. granted, i have my moments of brilliance, but they have proven to be too few and far between. i am still active and relatively fit, doing things like biking and kayaking- but evidently it isn't enough. i stepped on the scale for the first time in several months, and i am ashamed to say that i am about a pound shy of the panic level. you know, that weight that you absolutely, positively, without a doubt refuse to surpass. whew! just in time...


over the past couple of weeks i have made some big changes in my lifestyle. there is a boy to blame, of course, but that is a different story.  i have started doing my kickboxing again and am working back into yoga. i have signed up on a fitness and diet tracking site called myfitnesspal.com, which allows me to enter my daily food intake and exercise exertion and calculates how many calories i have left in the day based on that info. it takes into account my activity level, age, gender, and how many pounds i want to lose each week (it won't let me pick 25. i tried), and gives me feedback on how i'm doing toward that goal. it is a very tangible measure of my progress when the actual pound loss or body changes come too slowly to motivate me. i am now hooked. i have to be careful...you know how i can be when it comes to balance...but so far so good. while i do obsessively log every single bite (as soon as i get off of here i am going to sign on and enter the 2 raw almonds i snacked on a few minutes ago) and i faithfully include every single bit of activity i do (like dancing to the music at a Third Day concert last night), i still think this will be a healthy and positive life change. perhaps my favorite part is that it tells me when i am either eating too little or exercising too much, and am in danger of going into starvation mode. true, i could probably live a few months on body fat stores alone, but i appreciate the warning anyway. :0)


i am looking forward to pursuing this goal, and all that entails along the way. i am shooting for a definite 15 pounds and a possible total of 20 if i feel that i still have a way to go when i get there. i am also trying to keep in mind things like body fat and muscle mass, since my kickboxing may bulk me up like an american gladiator (yeah, right!). what i am less excited about is the ability to feel every single muscle i have used in each and every workout. they scream at me with every move. walking up the stairs when i get home is a herculean task, and brushing my teeth is tricky because it hurts to hold my arm up for the entire 3 minutes. yike. the upside is that i can feel those screaming muscles turning into solid muscles, and the cushion layer over them is slowly melting away. i am confident that in another couple of weeks, i'll be able to brush my teeth without giving it another thought. in the meantime...


ow.

answers to "how was your trip?" and other unanswerable questions

since returning home from my "vision trip" to nepal, i have had innumerable people ask me, "what do you think? was it fun? did you like it? was it an amazing experience? is that where you want to go?" i had no idea how difficult it would be to answer those questions and not sound like a raving lunatic. truth is that i am still processing the experience and my reaction to it. even as i write this, i am learning, little by little, what i think and feel about the trip and my future in nepal.

i say "my future in nepal" because regardless of my answers to the above questions, i still feel called to serve there. that isn't where my struggle lies.

my struggle lies in reconciling my experience with words like "fun", and "like", and "want". everyone expected that i'd go to nepal and i'd have this really rewarding visit and love the people, and the place, and know without a shadow of a doubt that this is where i belong. that is what i expected, too. instead, i had a trip full of challenges and obstacles, and fears that i had to face head-on. i was met with occasionally unimaginable conditions and the understanding that it was in these conditions that i'll eventually be living, no matter where i end up serving. i struggled with the knowledge that i, and everyone i know, have always envisioned me living and serving in africa. more than on any other trip (and there have been 15 since 2005), i struggled. that sounds bleak, doesn't it?

then there's the flip-side. no matter the challenge or the obstacle, there was always a way over, under, or around if i had the courage and the faith to take the path open to me. no matter how impossible the situation seemed at times, after much prayer, it became possible. no matter how inhospitable the conditions, the people met me with unparalleled hospitality- especially the other missionaries living both in kathmandu and "up the mountain". at times i felt like job in the bible, where god says to satan, "do what you want with her, just don't kill her" and satan had his way with me...testing me with spiritual warfare to see how obedient and faithful i'd really be in the face of such adversity. as a result, i felt myself getting more and more stubborn...and developed a "bring it!" attitude- because i felt that god was always there, ready to be my support and my strength when i didn't have any more of my own to rely on. while i didn't have an overwhelming sense that i "want" (on a conscious level) to spend my life serving in nepal, i DID have an overwhelming sense that it is what god wants of me- at least for now. he made a way for me there and is paving a path for me to take. he will be my strength when mine fails and he will be even more glorified by the fact that this is his agenda and not mine. i get a real sense that he has ordained this ministry and will show his glory through my uncertainty.

or i'm a raving lunatic.

so i told my story to my priest, who responded with characteristic transparency by saying that it was very overwhelming for him and he needed time to decide if i'm a lunatic or not. :) my story is overwhelming for me, too. this whole concept became really overwhelming for me as i was there living it. it hit home that i am really on the path to doing this, and that i’ll be leaving behind life as i know it back here and moving forward into a new and unchartered life. it’s not that i’ll be gone forever, even if this assignment is “permanent” -there are times of furlough and currently the plan is for me to furlough back in Lawrence for 3 months each year, instead of being gone for 3 or 4 years and then coming back for a full year…but i will be immersing in another culture and living the majority of my time in a completely different environment. i was hit with this wave of anxiety as i was standing on the street in kathmandu, surrounded by honking horns and cows in the road and dirt and trash and diesel smoke and heat and scooters and craziness….i had this almost unbearable longing for the peace, serenity, and “zen” of my life back here… and for the very first time i was truly afraid. funny, because in all of my travel trials and adventures (even in nepal) i was never really afraid. afraid of creepy spiders, yes (haha) but not afraid in any real sense. i was trapped alone in the terai with machine gun wielding soldiers and no ride, and i wasn’t afraid. i was left alone by those soldiers and left sitting in the desert heat with no ride and no cell phone and no idea what i was going to do- and i wasn’t afraid. i accidentally ventured into an army commando camp in the heart of the jungle and wasn’t afraid. i was staring into the eyes of a jackal/leopard/jungle cat on the path to my guesthouse, even then i wasn’t truly afraid. but standing there in kathmandu, envisioning what my life is to become….THEN i was afraid. i don’t think the fear has anything to do with the “wrong path”…. i don’t think it is a sign that this is not god’s will….i think it is the very real fear that i am not who i think i am (character-wise) and that i don’t have what it takes to be fully god’s. it is the fear of failing god, maybe… or the fear of not accepting this new life with enough grace…or the fear of being weak…maybe also the fear that this IS god’s path and i will be on it- alone- indefinitely... the fear that i won’t ever find that life partner that i always thought i’d find, to share in this really challenging journey… i don’t really know how to put a label on it, but it’s fear. period. the farther i get down the path, the more real it gets and the more freaked out i get. and the more excited i get, and antsy to move forward and get started. it is a constant tension between the pull back and the pull forward. yike.

how screwed up am i? you can tell me. i can take it.

sigh...

pics of the peeps

i thought i would include a blog featuring the people i was blessed enough to encounter on my trip to nepal. this is in no way an exhaustive visual list...just a cross-section of humanity half a world away- in no particular order. enjoy!

pemba- my trekking guide. yes- the one that that got us lost and instead of taking me to a village for lunch, wandered onto a commando army camp in the heart of the jungle...much to their irritation

kripa- a super sweet and very compassionate nepali nurse. and short don't forget short!

the rickshaw driver

flora helping me buy my sister's bday present

marcy and "mim"

ona and jeremy

me and ruth- of cooking fame :)

 TWINS!

 doug and a very special patient

more twins!!!  

 

the HDCS/TEAM hospital. i'll let the pics tell the story

the hospital, as seen from inside the compound...that is a guard that mans the gate at night and keeps watch over the comings and goings of the hospital





the crowd is beginning to gather for the day, waiting to be seen in the outpatient clinic. they see about 38,000 outpatients a year!

one of the "wards". not much patient privacy, for sure- but those ARE new beds!



i guess instead of being horrified that they have to wash and re-use their surgical gloves, i should be glad they have gloves to wash

"central supply"

the ER

newborn baby warmer. recognize the warming contraption? the diffuser on the hair dryer ensures they they are warm, yet not frizzy

playing with those cute babies every chance i get!

this mom's in labor. she had her baby less than 5 minutes later

what they use as hand sanitizer- alcohol in an old urine dipstick bottle with a hole poked in the top for dispensing

hanging the xrays in the courtyard to dry. they view them here, too (as well as start IV's)- it's the best light in the hospital

typical footwear for the healthcare professionals. that is an RN on the left and an aide on the right

for more information about the HDCS TEAM hospital and all they do for the far west region of nepal, please visit their website.