grace for space

well, it is officially here- the time when i go from being an independent woman- living on my own and doing what i want, when i want-to being a roommate. oh yike.

i don't play well with others. i have never been married, and barring a stint over 20 years ago when i lived with a boyfriend, i have mostly lived alone. i have a small house that has only my things in it. it is quiet when i want it to be quiet. it is dirty when i don't mind it being dirty. it is clean and neat when i need some "zen". the toaster is exactly where i want it (under the counter in a cupboard), as is the TV (i don't have one). that is all about to change. to be more exact, life as i have known it for the last 20ish years is about to change. that became evident this week as i was cooking eggs naked except for the post-shower towel on my head. i am sorry for that visual- but it was necessary to make a point. the point is, unless i want to scar my new roommate for eternity, i need to stop cooking eggs while turban-naked. i need to stop doing a lot of things that have become my hermit norm.

don't get me wrong- getting a roommate is a good thing. i am beyond grateful for this opportunity. god sent yvonne my way as a means to help save money for my upcoming mission work in nepal, and to provide someone to live in and take care of my house while i'm gone- still leaving me with a place to come home to...a home base, if you will. she was an answer to prayers and i am thrilled about the journey that we're about to embark on together. i am less thrilled with trying to cram her king sized bedroom set into my twin sized spare room, and not being able to pee the very second that i want to, if she's already in the bathroom. see? we have some compromise in our future.

did i mention i don't play well with others? prayers for grace- and thanksgiving for the opportunity to grow and get outside my comfort zone. that is always a good thing, no matter how painful. i am sure i will get used to cooking with clothes on, too. i'll let you know.

what's not to like?

today was not a good day.

it's always hard to sit and hear someone tell you things that they don't like about what you're doing, or how you're acting. what's even worse is to sit there and listen to them tell you that they basically don't like who you are, or how you are, in general. i have a friend- and yes, i consider her a friend- who did just that today. she sat and listed off all the things that are bothering her about me and about our interaction in a mutual team/project that we participate in weekly. what hit home is that the things she mentioned are not things that i can change unless i change the very core of my personality. at the very least, i have to act in ways that are completely contrary to my nature. to please her, i have to be less "me". WAY less "me". the other alternative is to continue to be myself, knowing that i am stepping on her toes, offending her, and making her uncomfortable as a result. that isn't a good option, either. i have never liked conflict and prefer for everyone to get along. the phrase "don't worry, be happy" could have been coined just for me. because of that, i am not comfortable continuing to be a source of irritation and insecurity for her intentionally. this has left me in an incredibly difficult spot- one in which i can only be true to myself or true to someone else, but can't do both simultaneously. i hate that. i really hate that. so today, i am praying for clarity.

i just want to thank debbie, who had no idea the kind of day i had, but who met me at my jeep after work with a container of homemade chicken noodle soup "just because". no gesture could have been sweeter or more appreciated. it's nice to know someone loves me just the way i am....

self esteem- on sale now at home depot's lawn and garden section

i needed that.

i have been feeling less than attractive lately. maybe it's the handful of winter insulation pounds that i put on (and didn't need at all this year), or maybe it is the fact that i have a knee that's acting up and keeping me from exercising like i usually do. maybe it's even the "mission haircut" that i got 3 weeks ago, which doesn't require a blow dryer, straightening iron, or anything electric to pull off. it's cute, granted, but probably less "sexy" than my previous hairstyles. i'm still wrestling with that and the vanity/pride issues tied to it. regardless of the exact cause, the fact is that i have been feeling frumpy and blob-ish. home depot changed that.

i should say that a rather short, middle aged, average looking guy at home depot changed that. i was strolling through the lawn and garden section, browsing the lawn seed and starter bags. this guy darted in front of my cart. in all fairness, he started it. he said, "usually people wait until they get to know me before they try to run me over." never one to let witty banter pass, i fired back with, "yes, but i am a really good judge of character." then i breezed past into the weed barrier and flowerbed edging aisle. there he was again...with another snappy comment and a lingering smile. once again i shot back with something silly. then breeeeeeeeeeeeeezed over to the mulch aisle. he wheeled past me two or three times with no obvious destination in mind, zigzagging around and never taking his eyes off of me. finally he came over and said, "this may be completely inappropriate, but i have to say it. you are a very attractive, highly distracting woman." then, after a smile and a wink he said, "i think you know it!" well, sir, maybe now i do.

thanks! i. needed. that.

 

oh YAY!!!! oh CRAP!!! oh YAY!!!!....



watch what you wish for, right?

that old addage that you had better be careful what you ask for because you just might get it has come to my mind more than once over the past couple of weeks. i have finally gotten the only thing that i truly want (for myself) and that is the opportunity to be a full time cross-cultural medical missionary. last week, i was notified that i am "qualified and accepted to be a full time missionary" with an organization called TEAM (The Evangelical Alliance Mission). they have been around since 1890 and are in 40 countries. for me, it is the best of both worlds. they are a faith based organization whose mission is to spread the gospel, and they do that through service (like medical service- yay!!). i can use my nursing skills and my love for god and people at the same time. for me, that's heaven on earth!                                                                                                

pictures are taken from HDCS-TEAM hospital website

my destination isn't set in stone, but for the past 5 or 6 months i have been dialoguing (spell check tells me that's not a word but i choose to keep it. haha) with TEAM missionaries in dadeldhura nepal. there is a mission hospital there, and TEAM has been operating it for 50ish years. they are also rolling out a CHE (community health evangelism) program that focuses on disease prevention and community based development of public health initiatives in impoverished countries. that is where my heart lies- in promoting wellness and not just stomping out illness. this region of nepal has a very high malnutrition rate, and still struggles with diseases like TB and leprosy.



This is Deepak. Because of the presence of TEAM hospital and staff (and the grace of God), Deepak was given a chance at life- and survived!

it seems that there is a place there, for me, if that is where i want to serve. i always envisioned myself in africa, but my prayer was that i open myself up to god's will and pursue his agenda and not my own. this is the path that cleared, as a result. in may, i will go there to do a "vision trip" and see if the fit seems like a good one in person as well as on paper. if so, that will be my path. if not, there are 39 other countries to choose from.

i am filled with joy, with uncertainty, with excitement, and with the tiniest bit of dread. the joy, uncertainty, and excitement i saw coming. the dread surprised me a little bit. suddenly i find myself looking around at my belongings and picturing life without most of them. i look around at the faces in the hallway or meetings at work and feel a twinge of sadness that many of those faces i will never see again. i get a sinking in the pit of my stomach as i ponder relying on god and the generosity of others to sustain me and provide for things like my housing, my food, my everything. i think about the fact that i may have just signed up for a life of singleness. i know, i know...being single is good and healthy and all those other things my married friends often tell me... and if i had chosen a life of singleness, i would rejoice in it. truth is, though, that regardless of what i want in terms of marriage or a relationship, my new  vocation may take the choice away from me. that is a little harder to swallow.  life as i have come to know it sooooooo well over the past 43 years will dramatically change. that part i embrace- but i dread facing some of the demons that i know will accompany such a drastic life transformation. i will find out who i truly am. i pray that i am not disappointed to find out who that is.

this will not happen overnight. the average time from acceptance with TEAM to departure for the new country is 22 months. in the meantime i will downsize my life here, attend orientations and trainings as recommended by TEAM, make preparations, and fundraise.  if you are inspired to help or know someone who might be, please let me know. i literally can't do this alone. i need to raise all the funding to sustain me for 2 years before i go. while this is not nearly as expensive as living here in the US, there are lots of things that need to be covered- housing, food, travel, health insurance, a small stipend, etc... some people were blessed with the desire to go and do (um- that's ME!) and some were blessed with the resources, no matter how limited, to help people like me go and do. if that's YOU, please click here and you'll be taken to the TEAM giving page. At the drop down menu, select "missionaries and staff" and at the subcategory drop down, select F, Karin 011057. you can make a one time donation or a recurring one if that works better for you. of course, this is all tax deductible. please don't think any donation is too small. it will all add up- like loaves and fishes! :0)

even more important than donations is prayer. please add TEAM, their location in dadeldhura, nepal, and my ministry to your prayers. that, more than anything, is what will sustain me.

what an amazing journey i have before me...

YAY!!!! and oh CRAP!!!!!

christ is my valentine

i have had a lot of occasion lately to examine my heart. to really explore what makes it tick, what makes it ache, and what makes it swell with joy. two of those occasions happen to be valentine's day and lent.


i was really looking forward to valentine's day this year. as of the middle of january, i was pretty sure i was going to have a boyfriend for valentine's day. do you know how long it's been since that has happened? well, let me tell you- years. i actually had a boyfriend for valentine's day 3 years ago but it didn't count- he blew it off. and our one year anniversary. oh yeah, AND my 40th birthday. now you're getting the picture. i only mention that to say that a lot of emotional baggage was riding on the luggage rack of this valentine's day. i was gonna' get the chance to redeem it and have a happy, fulfilled, other-filled vday....and then the guinea pig incident (see my last blog post if you have no idea what i'm talking about. trust me- it's relevant). in one evening, i went from filled with joy and expectation to filled with regret and trepidation. let's face it- filled with a teeny bit of hatred toward all those folks still filled with joy and expectation. funny how that works. valentine's day has, not only for me but for millions just like me, the power to make us feel categorically loved and accepted, or rejected and alone. period. there is no 3rd category in my opinion. wow...powerful stuff.


now on to lent. in a nutshell- and a theologically shaky one, i'm sure- lent is the 40 days (46, if you count sundays) between "fat tuesday" and easter. it is symbolic of christ's 40 days in the desert, being tempted by satan. it is a time of reflection, a time of gratefulness to god and christ for his gift to us, and a time of renewal and cleansing of our hearts to prepare us to accept that gift. we wait in anticipation for christ's resurrection and his triumph over death- and it ends in glory on easter, when he rises from the grave. during lent, many people give something up or take something on. the idea is to give up something you rely on. maybe something you worship, or at least count on for entertainment, or comfort, or distraction. in other words, something you turn to other than christ. it is a way of saying "you are enough for me. i don't need this other "stuff" to make me happy. you sustain me." i usually choose something food related, since that is one of my true weaknesses. the taking on of something often involves a spiritual discipline, like meditation, reading the bible, or prayer. something that brings us closer to the will of god in our lives, and prepares us to receive him. something that slows us down so we can hear his voice. one of the things i took on was meditation. i sit in the silence and listen for him.


do you know what that voice is telling me? it is telling me that it's unchristian to feel sad or rejected on valentine's day. seriously, bear with me! when jesus dies on that cross because he loves me, and then conquers death and rises from the dead, the promise is that i am not alone. i will never be alone. i am not unloved. i will never be unloved. if i give valentine's day- or anything/anyone else- the power to make me feel unloved and rejected, it is in fact, my doing. i am giving them that power. i am trying to find happiness and fulfillment in people and things, when i can only truly find that in god. all of my reflection has drowned out the distraction of what the world is screaming at me, and has narrowed the voice down to one- the one that is telling me that i am always loved, and i am never alone. that if i keep searching for that happiness outside of myself and outside of him, i will always be disappointed.


i have been trying to plug a god-shaped hole with man-shaped and stuff-shaped plugs. no matter how close a fit, there is always a gap. it is never quite right. so i keep searching. i keep meeting new people, and acquiring more things, trying to fit them into that hole and make myself complete. some days, it's a wonder that there is any room in that hole for god at all, considering all the things i've crammed into it. my lenten journey this year will be about doing some spiritual spring cleaning and getting rid of those things that are blocking god's way to my heart, and keeping him from filling me completely.


from now on, christ is my valentine.

dead guinea pigs, and other reasons people break up

in case you are wondering how things are going with "4 dates guy", you can stop. they aren't.

after my nightmare of a new year's eve date, the next man i found myself out with was a breath of fresh air. he was smart, funny, sweet, spiritual, genuine, and warm- and best of all, he was into me. at the time of that blog post, he and i had been out on several dates, had a few more planned, and there was no end in sight. i should have known better.

maybe it was wishful thinking. i haven't had an actual boyfriend in 3 1/2 years (if i have dated you in the past 3 1/2 years and you are just now finding out that you weren't my "boyfriend", i am sorry you had to hear it this way. haha...kidding!). those 3 1/2 years have been good years, but they were often lonely years. i have learned to be happy by myself, and have also learned the art of simply d.a.t.i.n.g. without having to lock into a relationship, but i won't pretend that there isn't a part of me that has longed to find someone exclusive. someone to get excited about. someone that i actually want to talk to, or see, daily. someone to not only go do the fancy things with, but also the mundane. the share-a-cup-of-coffee-and-read-the-paper-on-sunday-morning-with guy. this guy reminded me that i was looking for that. this guy made me believe that i hadn't exhausted all my possibilities. this guy was possibilities.

all of our dates were good- including the one that caused the crash and burn. maybe especially the one that caused the crash and burn. how odd, but how true. we had a super packed, super fun afternoon/evening planned. we started with the mundane which included a hike in the woods near my house with my dog and thrift store shopping, and ended with the fancy- drinks and appetizers downtown, a couple's massage (which just means we both got a 30 minute relaxation massage at the same time), and a sushi and ramen dinner at yokohama. we laughed, we held hands, we wandered, we gazed into each others' eyes...and then it happened.

he got the call- or as i like to think of it, "The Call". it was a call from his 12 year old son, sobbing, and saying that their guinea pig had died. tragic, yes. life changing? it was for me. you see, that call destroyed our possibilities. to me, it was a sad call but part of life. pets die. kids cry. life goes on. to him, it was an accusation of failure. failure as a husband (ex), father, human being. it saturated him in guilt and shame. it plunged him into the realization that if he could have kept his marriage from crumbling he would be there for his children in this, their time of need. it brought with it a conviction that if he wasn't with me, 2 1/2 hours from home, on a date, he could have driven home to comfort his children. it magnified the truth that there isn't yet room in his heart for his children and a new girlfriend. when he left me after our date, i got the sense he was leaving me for good.

i hate being this intuitive...sometimes i hate being right. today i got the "you are an amazing woman with a wonderful spirit" email. oh how i hate that email. he was kind and gracious and said all the right things- except "you are wrong, i am not ending this." that was the only thing i was hoping to hear. in fairness, i already knew this wouldn't be permanent because last night made it painfully clear that he is not, ever (no matter how old they are), going to move away from his children to some remote village on some far away continent, to do mission work by my side.

but a girl can dream.

what to do when your date asks out the waitress...

i can't make this stuff up. seriously.


i was going to blog about the nepali eating experiment- how i fared, insights i gained, foods i've gorged on since stopping the insanity (no, i actually haven't gone to la familia, yet), etc... however a situation has come to light that necessitates me changing course and talking about a completely different topic. that topic is: "my new year's eve date asked out the waitress."

let's start at the beginning. i met my new year's eve date online, on a dating site called okcupid.com. i know, i know- i've sworn off online dating before, but this site matches you based on your responses to questions and you're practically GUARAN-flippin-TEED to hit it off!! i took my time getting gussied up, since he was a guaranteed great match. i wanted to make a good impression.

the base outfit

finishing touches in place. pretty and flirty, but not over the top

so i arrive at the restaurant, and it is immediately evident that his pictures are about 10 years old (and blurry) so we're not off to a good start. i am mature enough to not judge a book by the cover, though, and am still prepared to have a lovely evening with interesting adult conversation at the very least. we sit down to dinner (i leave the sweater on) and he immediately looks at my chest and says, "i won't hear a thing you say all night because i'll be staring at those." classy. there was still a remote possibility that he was not a complete jerk and only very inappropriate and socially awkward, until he opened his mouth again. this time he asked if i had been cleaning the house all day so that i could bring home an overnight guest. (sigh). i am very diplomatic- often way TOO diplomatic- so must have come across as unsure of myself when i assured him that i was going home alone that night, because the next 5 comments over 10 minutes were filled with innuendo mixed with blantant requests, all regarding a sleep-over. i gave up most attempts at conversation and tried to enjoy a pretty yummy dinner at genovese. when i tuned in to what he was saying, he was generally slamming women and the entire dating process. he was a charmer, let me tell you! i gave it one last try and suggested we go somewhere different for coffee and dessert, in case there was carbon monoxide or something in the air at the restaurant causing him to lose his mind and his manners. we walked the 3 blocks to pachamama's, where he proceeded to ogle the waitress. not discreetly, but very obviously. he followed her every move with not only his eyes, but his whole head. he began showing her pictures of his son on his phone and calling her by name. she and i were both completely creeped out and about 20 minutes into coffee i said it was time to go and we headed for our cars. my NY eve date was over by 6:45p. during the walk back, he started grilling me about the location of the restaurant (he's from KC), what the name of it was, etc... when i got to my car, i sent a text asking "were you trying to pinpoint the location of the restaurant so you could go back and ask out the waitress?!" to which he replied, "LOL!! no! of course not!"

guess what?

last week i was again at pachamamas waiting on a date to arrive. this one was a second date, and with a man much cuter and sweeter than the last. as i sat there, i looked at the waitress and mused over my disastrous NY eve. finally i got up the nerve to say, "i was here a couple of weeks ago with a date. did he come back and ask you out?" oh yes, he did, and he creeped her out beyond measure. i apologized for bringing him to her restaurant in the first place, and she thanked me for asking because it bothered her a lot seeing me and not knowing if i knew. needless to say, my date that night was much better...and on the way out the door, i whispered to the waitress, with a wink, "sorry, but this one thinks i'm cuter."

i could have let it go, but that's just not my style. the next day, i texted el-creepo and simply said, "don't know which is worse- that you're classless enough to ask out the waitress on our date, or cowardly enough to lie about it. wow. please don't bother to reply. i am taking you out of my phone."

the response? (parentheses are my thoughts)..."that's a tough one because while i did go back, i chickened out of actually asking her out (lie). she is stunning, though, isn't she? (really???) but alas i think she was too young and i didn't want to embarrass myself...so i'd have to go with classless since the intent was there. but you made it clear that there was no future for us because of your hut dwelling aspirations (wow) so why do you even care...and finally, although you are an amazing person, and i told her that (gee thanks!!), i wasn't really physically attracted to you (even though you asked me to take you home 17 times?) because i tend to be attracted to, well, women built like the waitress. would you have preferred i said 'hey i'm not into you- do you mind if i stay and try to snag the waitress?' (um, no...i prefer that you not act like a jackass and ask the waitress out at ALL). anyway, take care and godspeed in your travels...hope you find all the happiness you deserve."

happy new year!